<![CDATA[]]> https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/ EN Mon, 10 Mar 2025 11:18:00 +0100 Incomedia WebSite X5 Evo <![CDATA[Sleeping and exercise tips for those struggling with anxiety. ]]> imblog Hi welcome to this blog on useful tips for better sleep, designed for those who are anxious and full of head noise.  

To find out more about how the Amygdala relates to anxiety in my blog "Taking control of your anxiety" dated 4th November 2024.

Sleep deprivation can fuel an anxious amygdala.  
Developing a good sleep routine can make all the difference.
Sleep is so important, and there are lots of tips available but these I found the most useful.  You can you them as a bit of a check list to see what you have already got in place.

Useful tips for good sleep patterns.
*Before going to bed practice a routine which is relaxing.
*Exercise during the day, avoiding an hour before sleep.
*Eliminate light stimulation at least 1 hour before bed.  This includes all screens.  

*Avoid napping or limit naps to power naps for no more that 15 to 20 minutes.
*Establish a consistent bed time and waking time, to give your brain a stable routine.
*Make sure sleeping environment helps your sleep, e.g. dark, cool.
*Avoid alcohol, caffeine and spicy food in late afternoon and evening.  

*Make sure your bed is comfortable, and used primarily for sleep.  
*Limit your focus on your concerns, setting a time each day to focus them.  Consider what you can change and what you can't. Near to your bedtime replace these thoughts with relaxing thoughts.
*Listing to positive and calming podcasts, audio books, or music, this can help escape your head noise as long as you focus on what you are listing to.  
*If you can’t fall asleep by 30 minutes, get up and do something, preferable in the dark for a short while.
*If you can avoid or limit use of sleep aids as they only work temporarily.  

Remember with Exercise.
When you are anxious your amygdala is in active mode.  It wants you to respond.  
By doing exercise when you are anxious you are actively responding to it.
Find a regular exercise which you enjoy, can do regularly and matches your physical ability.
As you exercise you are giving off Serotonin into the body.  
This is a natural way of giving your brain what it needs for anxiety.  

Note: Serotonin is active in Sedatives and medication for anxiety, but you are producing this naturally.  



]]> Mon, 10 Mar 2025 10:18:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?sleeping-and-exercise-tips-for-the-anxous-- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/000000020 <![CDATA[The power of self-compassion ]]> imblog
In this blog I look at what self-compassion is and why it is so useful to us.  I look at why some of us are naturally self-compassionate while others find it so difficult.  
 
Developing self-compassion
 
The natural way to develop self-compassion is when it is mirrored to us in childhood by our significant other.  For many reasons this may not have happened but it is possible to develop self-compassion at any age.  This is often the nature of therapy.  It is however difficult to develop self-compassion on your own.

There are various books on helping us develop self-compassion;
One book that was recommended to me was "The mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing yourself from Destructive thoughts and emotions" by Christopher K Germer.  

Another is "The Compassionate Mind Approach to Recovering from Trauma" by Deborah Lee 2012 I have used some of her examples in this blog. Even though she focuses on traumatic incidents, I found it really practical with lots of helpful ideas.      
 
Both of these books are also on audible, and audible free at the moment so well worth a listen.  

Self-compassion is not just a nice option.   
 
Consider these 3 brain systems.
 
1) The pleasure, purpose achieve focused system - working, pursuing, achieving and consuming.
 
2) The threat focused system - Anger, anxiety, disgust, and shame.  
 
3) The compassion focused system - Safeness, calm, soothing, releasing endorphins and oxytocin which are like medicine in the mind, helping us stay calm.  
 
We are designed to be active and achieve, to keep ourselves safe from threat but also to ‘BE’, to connect with ourselves in a caring and compassionate way.   When we are compassionate to ourselves it can help us conquer our self-doubts and perfectionism; it helps us build confidence and self-acceptance.
 

 
When the threat focused system is activated, it by-passes the other systems and we become dysregulated - anxious and spiralling.  It is active self-compassion which can directly help to bring the other systems in line.  Find out more about this form my blog: "Taking control of your anxiety"  4th November 2024.  

So, what do we mean by Self-compassion?
 
Self-compassion is about the way you speak to yourself; the tone, words and attitude.  
 
Self-compassion is about the way you think about yourself. To have understanding, to listen, to connect with how you feel.  Which of the following do you identify with your self-talk:

 
Inner Critic:  You are judgemental of yourself, frustrated with yourself.  Demanding more than you can give.  Critical of your actions all the time and blaming yourself.  Disliking the way you look, act etc and constantly comparing yourself to others and wishing you were someone different.  
 
OR
 
Self-compassionate: Taking time to stop and consider your feelings, your wants and needs.  Taking the time to try and understand why you respond the way you do being patient, understanding and encouraging with yourself.  Giving yourself self-care, as you see yourself as having worth.  
 The journey from the self-critic to the self-compassionate is not instant and takes work, but it can not only change the way you feel about yourself, but also the way you relate to others and your life experiences.  

How do we develop self-compassion?  
Self-compassion is developed in childhood by a significant person modelling self-compassion; but when this was not available or did not happen then we can learn to develop our own self-compassion.  
 
Consider these different scenarios and the different responses; where self-compassion is modelled or if self-criticism or anxious states are being developed instead.

 
SCENARIO 1: 3 boys aged 5 years are playing in the playground after school, and they are scared by sudden loud thunder and lightning.  They run to their parents who have 3 different responses.  
 
1) The parent is distracted on their phone, tells the boy not to be silly and to get in the car.  The boy remains nervous and feels they have done wrong.
 
2) The parent is also anxious at thunder; they too are scared they run for cover very anxious and drag their child with them.  
 
3) The parent acknowledges the fear, says how loud it is as they comfort the child, but then reassures the child as they go together to take cover.

SCENARIO 2: A girl of 13 is in a fight with another girl. She arrives home bruised, dirty and with torn clothes.  She is left upset, hurt and angry.  Consider these different responses from her parent:  
1) Her parent sees she has been in a fight and is angry at her; sending her to a room without any communication.  
 
2) Her parent sees she has been in a fight, does not listen to her side but makes her go and apologise to the other girl.  
 
3) Her parent says "as long as you win" but does not take the time to listen to her and discuss how she is feeling.  
 
4) Her parent sits her down and listens to what happened.  They discuss every aspect of what went on and together work out a way forward.  
 
Did you relate to any to any of these responses?
 
when a child’s feelings and fears are dismissed, they are left anxious and /or self-doubting.  

When the parent takes the time to listen to the child, help them process their feelings, find calm and reassurance the child is able to develop their own self-compassion.  
 
Did you have self-compassion modelled to you so you naturally have a self-voice and approach to yourself which is compassionate.
 
OR did you develop a harsh way of talking and being with yourself, with an inner critic, or an anxious way of dealing with situations.  
 
You can develop self-compassion at any age, but so often we avoid this.  
 
Let’s look at some of the common myths about self-compassion which stop people from even trying to develop it.   
 
Common Myths about Self-compassion.
 
*It’s about wallowing in your own self-pity.  
 
*I don’t deserve to be compassionate to myself.
 
*It will cause me to spiral into despair.
 
*It's self-indulgent and selfish.
 
*It’s for those who are weak, I need to be strong.
 
*It will make me vulnerable; people then take advantage.  
 
*It is soft, airy-fairy not for me.
 
*It will mean I cannot be angry again.
 
Many of us are given messages growing up which we have become so embedded they become ingrained in how we think.  The message "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" stopped me from developing self-compassion for many years.  


HOW TO BUILD SELF COMPASSION  
Self-compassion can be modelled to you as an adult.
 
*Through a therapeutic relationship during therapy.  
 
*By being in a supportive relationship with someone who has self-compassion.  
 
*Through another significant relationship where they have self-compassion and demonstrate that to you.
 
*If you don’t have access to anyone who is compassionate to you, you can turn to books like the one mentioned at the beginning of this blog to help you.  

NOTE:  Even when self-compassion is modelled to you, you have to be able to take it in.  We can find ourselves dismissing any compassion and not let it in.    
Consider the following:

1) Consider the myths about self-compassion, do you relate to any of them?
2) Reflect on your childhood and past experiences.
 
3) In order to survive, did you have to be hard on yourself? Is this still the case now?
 
4) Start to listen to your self-talk.  How would you describe it? How can you change this to be more compassionate?
 
5) Consider your younger self that was not listened to, and allow that younger self to be heard.  You can start a dialogue with your younger self, this could be via letters.  
 
6) Consider how you think about yourself. Can you show more compassion?  
 
7) Work on your Shame.  See my Blogs on Crippling shame to help you.  
 
8) Slowly develop a more caring, considerate and compassionate way of talking to yourself, encouraging yourself, responding to situations and thinking about yourself.  Consider not just your words, but how you think about yourself and the tone you use.  
 

 
Remember that developing self-compassion is a journey, it is not an instant change but a gradual one.  
 
I hope you found this blog useful.  Your comments are welcome and valued.  

]]> Mon, 09 Dec 2024 14:39:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?the-power-of-self-compassion- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/00000001F <![CDATA[Why we respond to others the way we do]]> imblog
Hi, in this first blog on 'Our interactions with others' I look at different responses children take when they are struggling particularly within their family.  I also explore how these ‘ways of coping’ become a learnt pattern of relating to others in adult life.  

These responses are often strategies to survive unmet needs, this can be considered as developmental trauma.  
I first explain what I mean by developmental trauma and how it can relate to this blog.  There is now much greater understanding of the impact of developmental trauma particularly in relation to emotional trauma.    
Let's first look at what we mean by trauma.
When we feel a threat to our safety (both physical or emotional), and we are overwhelmed we can feel that we do not have any control over the situation, this will affect our nervous system and we respond in a range of survival responses'. For more on this see my blogs on Reclaiming Calm, in particular 'Finding calm in emotional turmoil' 5th August 24.  
Being threatened and feeling out of control can be traumatic even when the threat no longer exists and the overwhelm of the incident can stay with you until you get the support you need.

What we mean by developmental trauma.
This is seen differently to a traumatic incident which is a one off, as in an accident or an attack by a stranger which happens at a specific time or place.  Developmental trauma is ongoing trauma which happens throughout childhood.  
 
Developmental Trauma can be emotional trauma, as well as trauma caused by acts of sexual, physical abuse and neglect.

Let’s explore what we mean by emotional trauma in childhood as this can be often overlooked.  
Many of us find it hard to consider emotional trauma, wanting to push it away with comments like "others had it worse", I was ok no one abused me.  But emotional trauma during childhood can be very real,  it affects many of us and can stay with us into adulthood.

Consider the following:
*In Childhood we all have a need to feel safe, to be fed, to be clothed, and to have an education.  We also have the need to be heard, to be able to express our wants and needs, to feel as if we are good enough to those around us and to feel we belong in the family we were born into.  We also need to feel secure in our relationships so that we know we can feel emotionally safe.   When these needs are not met it can be a threat to our emotional safety.
*As children we are not in control, we often don't have anywhere else to go.
*If our parents are not OK, we do not feel OK.  
*Developmental trauma can occur throughout our childhood and we have no control over it.

Often people feel disloyal to their parents when they consider developmental trauma, particularly emotional trauma.
We might feel others had it much worse, and it's all part of childhood, or say it's how it was back then.  
I believe that people do the best they can at the time so it's not about blame or judgement.  
At the same time, to different degrees your needs may not have been met and this affected you.  

Consider some of these examples and imagine being the child and consider how you could feel emotionally threatened, with no control over the situation and nowhere to turn.  
1) You’re a child who is never quite sure what mood their parent is going to be in, you can never fully relax, always on your guard.    
2) A parent who gets drunk, and takes it out on the other.  As a child you hear the arguing, fighting, physical attacks or crying from your mother or father.
3) As a child you desperately want to be loved and accepted for who you are; but you are always told or feel that you are not good enough.  
4) Your parents are always busy, have no time for you, so you are left without anyone to talk to which makes you feel isolated and alone
5) One of your parents is depressed, has no energy and is not responsive, so you have to do what you can to help with everyday chores.  


We all respond differently, even in the same family siblings can have different responses.  
One response is not better, or stronger than another.  
The responses like all trauma responses are not planned, they are unconscious habitual responses.  
Each response is determined by who we are naturally, and how we feel we can best cope with our environment.

Below I have outlined some of the responses we have as children.  
I have also put how this can manifest in adult life as an unconscious habitual way of being in relation to others.    

NOTE:  
i) These are not fixed, just some examples under categories which are often seen.  It may be that you relate to more than one.
ii) School may have been a safe space where the strategy was not needed, or it may have been a source of trauma which you may not have been able to discuss at home.

PLEASE / APPEASE
The child's need to be accepted, to be good enough means they try and be what they think their parents want them to be.  They do not focus on what they want and need but try to do what they believe will make their parents like and accept them.  
ADULT LIFE: This way of being is what is often known as a 'people pleaser'.  So used to not considering their own wants and needs they continue to be what they believe others want them to be.  They feel safe and as they seek a connection with another; or as is usually the case they seek a connection that they wanted from that original parent connection.  

RESOURCER
In order to feel safe a child may feel they need to make sure their parent, (usually mother) is OK.  If mum is ok I will be ok!  This meant focusing on doing things which help their parent, often missing out on play and socialising with other children.   The oldest sibling often needed to take a parental role to their younger siblings.
ADULT LIFE: Their focus remains on the needs of others, and they remain unable to meet their own needs unless others are OK.  They become the rescuer of others.  They can feel uncomfortable if others are struggling and see that it is their job to make sure they are ok, often helping others and running on empty themselves.  Giving so much can bring on feelings of resentment. The child who just wanted to be seen and appreciated is still there as an adult.

FIGHT
A child’s natural instinct to  fight back may have come out especially as they got older into their teens.  For some this is also what is mirrored by their parents and all they are used to.  They survive by standing up for themselves, getting into rows causing conflict with their parents.   This often meant they were labelled a trouble maker, rebellious or the black sheep.  
ADULT LIFE: The labels they carried as a child may have stayed with them, and they can get triggered.  They find themselves getting angry and reacting instead of responding.  If you relate to this you may like to see both my blogs on anger from the Managing your Ups and Downs series

FLIGHT
A natural response to threat is to run, and as a child this can come in different forms when home life becomes too much.  For some children this is running away from home but for most it is about getting out, escaping family life.  They play out a lot on the streets or just disappear to their own private space.  Only returning to be part of the family when they had to and then go again as soon as they can.  This meant they never felt like they belonged in the family, always feeling like an outsider.  
ADULT LIFE: As adults they can find it hard to feel like they belong in a group, always feeling like and outsider. When social situations feel overwhelming they have this urge to just run from the room, or opt out from taking part as it feels too emotionally unsafe.  

FREEZE
When a child is finding life hard, they can just freeze out as a way of coping.  This means that they just watch what is going on, being hyper vigilant for any sense of threat.  Unable to focus on anything else.  The phrase is a 'deer in headlights' they just freeze up.  When this happens the trauma can sit in the body and not get properly catalogued into long term memory.  
ADULT LIFE: They can find themselves just freezing up in situations with other people when they don’t feel comfortable or emotionally safe.  It's as if they are expecting something bad to happen in relation to those they are with.  

FLOP - SUBMIT
For some children life becomes hopeless and they give up on it.  They just survive each day and submit to what is happening around them.  They go into themselves, hide away, stay in bed if they can.  They give up on what they want, find it hard to engage with others and don’t have any aspirations about the future as it seems so hopeless and nothing will change.  
ADULT LIFE: When life gets overwhelming they are likely to turn to their habitual learnt way of surviving, and their energy levels will plummet as they just want to hide.   The now habitual sense that they have no control over their life gives a sense of hopelessness, so they give up and go into themselves.

CRY FOR HELP / ATTACH
To be held, comforted by a caring parent is a natural need.  When a child yearns for that, they may well cry out desperate for attention which their mother does not have the capacity to give.   It may be that a parent responds well to this at times and not at others so it is unpredictable. A child crying out can be labelled as clingy and too needy.  Growing up the child learns that finding love and connection is unreliable.  
ADULT LIFE:  Unable to feel confident on where they stand with others, an adult can feel insecure with people, particularly in relationships; easily feeling let down and wondering what they have done wrong. As they find it difficult to feel safe in a relationship they keep pushing for reassurance and testing the other out, the strain on this can bring about what they most fear, and that is to be abandoned.  

CLOSE DOWN / KEEP EMOTIONAL DISTANCE
In order to cope a child can just learn (unconsciously) to switch off from their emotions and soon become desensitised to them. Not feeling anything means that you don't get hurt.  If you don't let anyone in you are not vulnerable and it feels safer.  It’s a great protection which can become habitual and seem a natural part of who you are.
ADULT LIFE: It can seem like you naturally don’t feel much, and have learnt to be self-reliant. Even if at times this is lonely, it is much safer not to let anyone into your private world.   The problem is that by not feeling the difficult feelings, it means you also never get to really feel anything.  By keeping people at arm’s length means you never feel the connection of others, something we all naturally need in our lives.  

WHAT CAN WE DO:
1) BE CURIOUS: Being curious about how you respond to others. Consider what you needed to do to get your needs met when you were growing up.  
2) COMPASSION: Find compassion for yourself and those around you.  Your response was a natural habitual response and part of your way of surviving.  
3) ACCEPTANCE: No one way of responding is better than another.  Your response was your unconscious way of surviving. It is what worked for you at the time. Each response has both helpful and unhelpful aspects to it. With this awareness you can accept and appreciate the benefits of your way of surviving, and protect yourself from the unhelpful aspects which stop you making connections with others. *   
4) AWARENESS: With awareness you can make different choices.  This can be difficult at first as it seems as if you are going against your natural self.  It is doing something different from your lived way of being.  Reminding yourself you’re safe, and circumstances are different can help you make the choices which are right for you.  

NOTE:  
*To find awareness and work through the issues relating to your way of relating to others can be really hard and working with a therapist can help you in this process.
*Many adults continue to live in environments which are emotionally or physically unsafe.  If this is the case, I urge you to seek professional help.  
I hope you find this information useful.  I welcome feedback in the comments below to help make these blogs useful and informative.  






]]> Mon, 11 Nov 2024 12:21:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?why-we-respond-to-others-the-way-we-do https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/000000016 <![CDATA[Taking control of your anxiety ]]> imblog
Hi, welcome to my blog 'Taking control of your anxiety'.  Anxiety and fear affect many of us and is often the discussion in therapy, so I was keen to understand more about the idea that the brain can be rewired to reduce anxiety. I had the opportunity to hear a speaker, Catherine Pittman at an on-line International Rewiring the Brain Summit which took place this month. Inspired by what I learnt I decided to push aside what I had planned this week to share what I have learned with you.  

NOTE: If you are currently living with the threat of physical or emotional abuse from a partner or other significant person in your life then I urge you to speak out, contact professional help and support.

Catherine Pittman is a practising psychologist who writes books and teaches; her main work is speaking and working with people who struggle with anxiety, over thinking and obsessive-compulsive disorders.
What I like is that Catherine uses everyday language, and makes it simple - gets rid of complicated jargon and relates to everyday people with everyday issues.  I have used some of her work within this blog.  

FIRST: You are capable of mastering your anxiety
For many years we have known that children's brains can be rewired. That is why it is such an important learning time and children are so influenced by their environment.
But now we know that even though change slows down as we age it is possible to rewire our brain right up until we die. So, we are not 'hard wired' as previously thought and change is possible.  

Rewiring our brain ...
It’s not difficult:   You don't need to be academic, brainy, deeply insightful, clever, rich or any of the things you may discount yourself for not being, in order to rewire your brain.  
HOWEVER!
It's not easy: To master your anxiety takes time and commitment preferable with a daily practice and routine.  
We live in a world of quick fixes and easy answers so we often avoid anything which takes time and regular commitment.
When we have been thinking (or reacting) in a certain way for a long time it's hard to think it could ever change, which can put us off even trying.

Anxiety and Fear is not all in your head.  It's real and has a bodily physical reaction.

There is theory to get your head around, but it is very manageable so stay with me.
Our brains are amazing and sophisticated, with many different working parts.
Even the most intelligent neuro scientists are still figuring it out.  
But we only need to understand one small part to get to grips with our anxiety.     

The Amygdala
A small part of the brain which helps us with our emotions, and informs us when we may be in danger.
The amygdala is needed to keep us safe.  
From caveman days we had to have an alert system to inform us of any danger, this is based at the amygdala.  
The more we can understand how the amygdala works, and become aware of how our amygdala is responding the more we can learn to master it.    

Ten important points about your amygdala:
1) Your amygdala will respond to threats of both physical and emotional danger.  
This is really important and very relevant to many of your anxious states.  
The amygdala responds to keep you emotionally safe as well as physically safe.

2) Your amygdala takes in information from all our senses.
This means that it will respond to information coming from your sight, hearing, smell, touch and taste.

3) Your amygdala then activates physical symptoms in your body as warning bells of danger.
These could include fast heartbeat, muscle tension, trouble breathing, overwhelming thoughts, chest pains.  

4) Your amygdala is your first response, before you are conscious of what is happening.  
5) Your amygdala learns from your past experience and acts accordingly.
This is often held over from childhood experiences.  

6) Your amygdala does not do detail.  
So the alert is only a perceived danger, not taking in all current information.  

7) Your amygdala makes associations to help it decide if there is a threat to your safety (physical or emotional).  
These associations, like a smell, a certain facial expression, a similar environment, a comment can all trigger your amygdala to a past time when you felt threatened and unsafe.  

8) Your amygdala is fed by the information you give it.  
It can be fed by your own anxious thoughts.  
It can be fed by the messages you tell yourself.
It can be fed by the anxious thoughts or vibes from those around you.
It can be fed by what you watch on TV or what you read.
It can be fed by messages you take in for example on social media.
So, either:
You can feed it adding to the outdated information which your amygdala uses to warn you of danger.
OR
9) Your amygdala can be challenged.
You don't have to believe your amygdala; it is likely to be out of date.   
10) Your amygdala can be updated with new relevant information.   
You often find the thought of something is much worse than the actual event, as your amygdala is working on past experience.  When you are in the situation, realise you are safe with detailed up to date information it takes the energy out of your amygdala.  

As an example, this is Susie's experience.  
Susie had poor eyesight as a child, it was not picked up until she was 14 years old.  
She could not see the whiteboard, she missed information and often made mistakes when she spoke out.
The children teased her, her teacher said she was lazy and her parents were annoyed at her school report.  
Susie's school experience told her she was not clever, if she contributed she would get it wrong and be humiliated and she felt that she was not good enough.  This was the information stored in Susie's amygdala.  
Susie's mum was often worried about how she would do at school, and often expressed this, feeding Susie's amygdala data.  
Susie got an eye sight test when she was 13 and needed glasses.
She completed school and went to college, but did not rewire the information stored in her amygdala. Instead, she fed it with her thoughts, her imagination of scenes where she would fail and her mothers comments.
In her job now Susie gets very anxious when she has to talk in front of others.
She always tells herself she is not as clever as her colleagues and this often stops her from contributing as much as others. This feeds her idea she is not as good as others, her holding herself back has reduced her progression in her company.     
But she has to do a presentation and her negative thoughts go round her head, her heart beats fast as she is very tense.  She feels sick.    
Her amygdala; acting on outdated information is warning her she is in danger of getting humiliated.   
With sheer determination she manages to do her talk, and actually it is really good.  
However, leading up to it she had a really difficult anxious time, and nearly opted out from speaking.  

Mastering your anxiety - notice, be curious, check things out.    
1) Control your body symptoms.  
i) Explore what helps you feel calm.  Practise this so you become very familiar.   
(See my blog from 5th August, 'Finding calm in emotional turmoil')    
ii) Notice the symptoms of your anxiety so you can recognise them.  
iii) When you get anxious, instead of going into rapid thinking learn to redirect your energy into calming your body down as you have practised.

2) Be curious
i) Become aware of what triggers your anxiety.  
ii) Consider what this could be associated with.  This may be obvious, or may take some reflection.  
Working with a therapist, or a close friend or family member who you feel safe with can help.  
iii) You may not know what the original threat was that is being triggered.  However, experts say that you don't need to identify this in order to rewire your brain.  Just to know what the triggers are.  

3) Stop feeding your amygdala with information which supports your fears.      
 i) Once you identify the triggers, you can be curious about what you do that feeds your anxiety.  
ii) If you can, stop taking in information which supports your fear.
iii) Recognise your self-talk, and challenge it.   
iv) If you are triggered by what someone else says or does then it may be appropriate to check it out with them.
It is likely they remind you of someone from your past, the sound of their voice, or a certain look.    
v) Look at the evidence.  Has the old threat gone ... are you safe now?   
Look at what you have achieved, succeeded at, managed, overcome etc.  And take note of this.  
4) Start feeding new updated information to your amygdala.  
At first new information will sound strange, untrue or unsafe.   
This is where you use your head to help; people often say I know I am safe I just don't feel safe.  
You can use facts, updated information, reminders that you are now safe.  
Realise that the threat to your emotional and /or physical safety has gone, it was in the past.     
Find reminders which work for you: This could be written notes, visual images, a relevant item, messages you tell yourself.  Use these reminders throughout the day, not just when you are feeling anxious.  

Redirecting your energy from the overwhelming head noise to being CALM, CURIOUS, and CONFIRMING new messages will slowly update your amygdala from its old way of thinking into new updated information.  
Your amygdala cannot hold contrasting information, so it will discard the old when the new is wired in.  
'What gets fired together get wired together'  What gets repeated will become the norm.  
Each of the above steps are skills which you can learn and develop.  
When you learn to Calm your symptoms, challenge your anxiety and feed new information to your amygdala it helps you take control of your anxiety, and stop your amygdala sending the old out of date and irrelevant danger alerts.  
 
 
I wish you all the best on your journey, and hope you found this information useful.
Your feedback and comments are welcome.   















]]> Mon, 04 Nov 2024 12:14:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?taking-control-of-your-anxiety- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/000000014 <![CDATA[Our emotions can guide us ]]> imblog
Welcome.  In this series of Emotional connection I am looking at the ways we connect with our emotions giving us information on our needs and feelings.  In contrast I also look at the ways we have learnt to avoid our emotions.  Ways which may have become habitual and out of our awareness.       
If you want to know more about emotions I found 'Atlas of the Heart' by Brene Brown useful.  She takes you through 87 emotions which defines what it is to be human.  
  
A challenge, I certainly can't detect 87 emotions but I found it useful thinking through the different emotions and I was amazed how many I could relate to.  
https://brenebrown.com/book/atlas-of-the-heart/

Brene outlines 6 Main emotions as sad, mad, scared, peaceful, powerful and joyful which certainly gives us a good start, but only if we take notice of them.  
We feel our emotions through body sensations, posture, body language, facial expressions and tensions.  So much information to help us in our lives, if we stop, listen and process that information.  

In this blog I wanted to share with you the theory I find most valuable in gaining awareness of my own emotions and in my therapy work.  
The Gestalt Cycle of awareness, developed from Fritz Perls’ work in the 1940s; relates not only to emotions, but relationships and also how we engage with life in general.   
 
The cycle describes stages that we use to connect and act on our emotions.  
It also explains what can interrupt that stage, preventing us from using our emotions as a valuable resource.   

I have outlined these stages with some examples and included 'TRY IT OUT' which may help.  

Stage 1 - SENSATION
We experience sensations as a result of situations, feelings, needs and wants. This may include;
*Body sensations: E.g. Heart rate, clammy hands, bubble sensations, tensions, aching, emptiness etc.  
*Body posture: E.g. sluggish, protective, curled up, fists tight.  
*Facial expressions: E.g. jaw clenched, teeth grinding, eyes squeezed.  
OR we can habitually become DESENSITIZED
We no longer notice; we have managed to cut ourselves off from our sensations.  
We live disconnected from our body and focus totally on our thoughts.  
'TRY IT OUT' Take a few minutes each day, to focus on your body sensations.  First on your breathing, then like a scanner going up from our feet and notice each part of your body, notice your posture and any tensions.
Stage 2 - RECOGNITION
We allow our attention to focus on what is going on in our body and give ourselves the time and space to be curious about what is happening and what we are feeling.   

OR we habitually learn ways to DEFLECT, we just don't go there.
This is like batting off any suspected emotions in ways that become our defences.

You may be aware of some of these examples;
*We laugh it off.
*We dismiss it saying, "that's life I just have to get on with it".
*We use work or jobs as a distraction.  
*We get drunk or use substances to drown out any emotional sensations.    
'TRY IT OUT' Be a watcher of yourself.  Notice what you do to avoid your emotions.


Stage 3 - MOBILISING
We allow our emotions to inform us of our true feelings about a situation or relationship.  
Giving time and energy to this can help us make healthier decisions that meet our needs.   
OR our inner voice takes over, messages from our past we call INTROJECTS,
These messages can be so ingrained that they stop us trusting our own feelings.  
You may recognise these;
*You are feeling strong and capable yet the message embedded says you are weak.  
*You feel hurt and betrayed yet the message you hold says you are unlovable.    
*You feel anger at the way you are treated and the message you hold says it's your fault.  
So, you don't act on your feelings and you dismiss them.  

NOTE: See also my blogs on shame, the energy of shame can counter any other emotions.  
NOTE: Feelings of anger can be strong, frightening and overwhelming.  They are also affected by our experience of anger, so look out for my specific blog on anger coming soon.

'TRY IT OUT' List the messages that you tell yourself.  Then go back and see if you recognise where they came from, challenge it and see if they stand true today.   

Stage 4 - ACTION
By giving ourselves time to stop and consider our emotions we can calmly decide how we want to act on them.   
By owning our emotions, we can use them to guide us to getting our needs and wants met.  
*This may mean no action at all.  
*It may mean we use the information to guard ourselves from the words and actions of others.
*It may help us see the situation differently.  
By stopping, considering and owning our emotions means we are more likely to be able to explain how we are feeling and what we need without getting overwhelmed.

OR we disown our emotions and PROJECT them onto others.
We take our feelings out on others, particularly our anger.
We tell others to do what we should be doing.   
We blame others for our situation instead of owning it ourself.

'TRY IT OUT' Consider the times when you react in ways you don't mean to.  Or you find yourself blaming others unfairly.  Be curious about it, could it be that you are projecting your emotions onto others instead of owning them yourself?    

Stage 5 - CONNECTION.
Allowing ourself to really feel our emotions can be liberating.  It is like allowing waves of the sea as they wash over us, some are stronger than others.  

NOTE: If you have strong emotions which you fear will overwhelm you, then find a distraction and reach out for help, either a professional or trusted friend.  

OR we push your emotions down and turn them onto ourself. This is called RETROFLECTION.  
Your emotional energy is used on attacking yourself.  

You blame yourself instead of the person or situation which caused the emotion.
'TRY IT OUT' Take time to consider your self-talk.  Are you caring and compassionate to yourself, or critical and condemning?
Stage 6 - SATISFACTION.
It's satisfying when we start to identify our emotions, to consider what we are feeling and what we need and act on this.  It helps us gain the strength to care for ourselves and make decisions which feel right going forward.  

Be aware! This sense of satisfaction can be robbed when we focus on our own failings.  If you are a perfectionist, you will always tell yourself you could do better or your shame could tell you that you are not good enough.

Stage 7 - WITHDRAWAL
Once we have given space for our emotions, identified feelings and needs and then done the appropriate action we can let it go.  Move on.  

Be aware! Sometimes we just can't let it go.  The feelings become part of us.  Some reasons could be;
*We are tied to the situation, feeling trapped by it.  
*We feel our needs have not been met, or justice has not been done.
*We don't feel heard or seen.  Our feelings have not been validated.  
IF so I urge you to seek professional help, or talk to a close reliable friend. Emotions can run deep and we need the help of others to work them through.  

How useful was this information?  I welcome your feedback.  
First name only is fine, you may want to say where you are from.    

]]> Thu, 24 Oct 2024 12:58:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?our-emotions-can-guide-us- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/00000001C <![CDATA[Anger 2 - Just who I am ]]> imblog
Hi, welcome to this second blog on anger.  My first blog on anger was for those who suppress or deny their anger, in contrast this blog I have written for those who have been angry for so long it's become part of who they are.  They may have learnt to accept their anger as a burden weighing them down.  They can be aware that they are hurting the people they care about which makes the burden even heavier to carry.  

In this blog I use my insights to take you through a step-by-step process to help you understand your anger, why it affects you and how you can positively move forward.  

FIRST: Accept you are angry own it and be curious about the root cause of your anger.
You may have not had our needs met when you were young and may have got used to being angry about that from a young age. You may have grown up being allowed to be angry and never been comforted, supported, understood or shown other ways of getting what you needed.  So, you continue to act like an angry toddler who might have feelings of frustration, being misunderstood or not loved.

The root cause of your anger may be obvious; you may even have been shouting about it for years. Or you may need to reflect and be curious, you may want to talk to those close to you who you trust to help you work it out.

2nd: Own your anger. You may not be responsible for causing your anger, or for it becoming part of who you are, but you are responsible for what you do with it now.  

3rd: Put words to your anger, and understand it.  

NOTE: I refer to trauma which is a threat to who we are, but it may also be that we are angry due to a threat on someone or something we care about.

When we do not get our needs met, or when we feel under threat this is trauma.  We naturally want to fight back and defend ourselves but this is not always possible, especially if we are a child.  We are left feeling powerless, without being able to control or change the situation.   
For more on this see my blog on ups and downs 2.  

There can be a cry from deep within us - it was unjust, unfair, not true.   
You may have felt that you were taken advantage of and the hurt goes very deep.    
You feel deep down that you were missed; not heard, not seen, and or devalued.    

The need for your experience to be acknowledged is a natural human need.  

4th: Your need for Validation.
You may have a yearning, a deep cry, often unconscious to have your experience seen, noticed and validated. Validation is when another person can give value to, and acknowledge your experience.  

To let go of our trauma without having our experience validated would mean losing a part of who we are, betraying ourselves.
Validation is the most valuable if it comes from the person who let us down, attacked us or betrayed us.  
Yet this has never happened or may not be possible, consider these reasons;
1) They are no longer alive or available.
2) They are not able or willing to take responsibility for their actions.  
3) Their way of surviving in life is to blame another - in this case you.
4) They make it all about them, which means you are missed, again.    
When you have a deep cry which is not heard, it can be like a caged lion.  For your own self-respect you need to defend yourself and have your feelings and experience heard; but you are continually missed. You become frustrated and angry.  

5th: Your anger is seen, the injustice against you is missed.

It may be that you are still trying to get your injustice heard, or you may have given up trying.
Situations and people just trigger the old wounds of this injustice.    
When triggered this anger will activate a range of bodily responses, such as racing heart rate and muscle tension. You react; in defence or in attack but it is a reaction not a measured response.     
See my blog on anger 1 for more detail on this.  

This will affect your ability to articulate that deep seated injustice; you just come across as angry.   
You may recognise some of the following responses from those around you;
*You are dismissed as being angry, even a threat.
*The response misses your needs and makes it about another.  
*You are told to move on, let go and even grow up.  

All these responses and others similar I have not mentioned add to your senses of frustration, lack of control and powerlessness, which in turn will feed your anger. This creates a cycle of anger which gets established as part of who you are.  
 
This cycle can go on for many years, you have had to learn to manage it, you may have not learned to or you dumb it down by your chosen sedative, like alcohol, or substances, anything which can numb you and your pain at being missed.    

6th: Take back control
Below I list some steps to help you take control.
They sound simple, yet they take courage and may take time.  
Like any skill they need practice and perseverance.    
You may want to seek professional help as you work through your anger.  

Once you have become more aware of your anger and your desire to manage it you might find it useful to find healthy ways of channelling your energy while you work through it.   
This can include exercise, energetic tasks or even a punch bag.  
i) Own your own anger, by taking responsibility for it you can start to manage it.   
ii) Define what you are angry about so you are better able to express it.   
iii) Learn to notice what happens in your body when your anger is triggered so you can identify it.  
iv) Learn to recognise what triggers your anger, giving you greater awareness and control
v) Learn to regulate yourself and calm yourself.  Including breathing exercises.  Self-soothing both in your self-talk and by learning soothing and regulating exercises.     
vi) Learn self-compassion, what you experienced was real, even if it was not recognised.    
vii) Find a way to get your experience validated, this may be from;
A support group which relates to your experience.
A relationship with a therapist.
A trusted close friend who will listen and hear your story.  
You may also want to use art, writing or other creative ways to express your deep cry.  
By sharing this may bring about the validation you yearn for.  

7th:  Know you are not alone.  Sharing helps.  
By sharing your experience, you not only give light and hope to others, it also helps you to validate your own experience.  Once you feel seen, have your anger validated you can learn to let go of your anger without losing a sense of yourself and by being true to your experience.  

How useful was this information? I welcome your feedback.
First name only is fine, you may want to say where you are from.







]]> Fri, 18 Oct 2024 12:47:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?anger-2---just-who-i-am- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/000000019 <![CDATA[Anger 1- when supressed ]]> imblog
Hi, welcome to my first blog on anger as part of my series on emotional connection   In this blog I look at why we so often try and suppress and deny our anger, how this can affect us and how we can use our anger to make healthier choices.   
In my next blog on anger, I share my insights for those who do not deny their anger but had to learn to carry their anger with them like a heavy weight which has become part of who they are.     
NOTE: Our anger can be deep rooted and difficult to manage. If this is the case, I urge you to seek professional help so that you can process your anger and work through the causes of your anger in a safe way.
See our page on finding support.  
Many of us try to avoid our feelings of anger, I have found that there are two main reasons for this; both rooted in our past.  

1) Our experience of anger was frightening.
We react to anger as a result of experiencing anger in relation to violence, shouting, abusive words and/or gestures.  You may have felt threatened by angry parents or those close to you.  
The tone, the words and the actions you experienced as frightening.
As a result, you might associate anger with a sense of aggression and consciously or unconsciously avoid or deny any feelings of anger in yourself.  

2) We were taught it was wrong to be angry.
Alternatively, you could have, like me, been taught at an early age that being angry was wrong and not acceptable.  If you expressed any anger you felt the shame of it, told it was not appropriate.  
So now when you feel angry it feels wrong, so we dismiss it or suppress it the best we can.  

Shame and anger
You may turn your anger onto yourself instead of where or who it should be directed at.  
You blame yourself, feeding a cycle of shame.  When you tell yourself you are not good enough, it must be your fault.  You turn to drink, drugs or whatever it is that helps you survive, to fill the gap.  This gives short term relief and then it adds to your shame of not being enough.  So, the cycle continues.   
Find out more from my Blog on Crippling Shame  

No matter how hard we try to suppress or deny our anger it can stay with us ready to spurt out when triggered.
Our focus goes to our thoughts which can swirl around in a confusion.  

Our anger can become like a pressure cooker.
It's like the suppressed anger, often from childhood, is so pressurised that keeping the lid on uses up your energy.
This can be out of your awareness as you have learnt over the years how to suppress your anger, it becomes second nature to you.    
All it takes is a little knock on the top and a pressure of steam spurts out and you react.
Often the person or situation you have reacted to is not who you are really angry at, they just happen to trigger your anger in some way.

Expressing your anger to others
In a need to get rid of your anger you may try and resolve the issues while you are still experiencing the sensations of the anger.   This often leads to a spiralling of your anger and no resolution.  
*Your thoughts may not be clear and you may find it hard to express yourself.  
*Your tone of voice, body language and facial expression can appear aggressive, argumentative or judgemental.
*Your point of view, your feelings and needs are then missed as all others see is an angry person.
*You can be left feeling missed and shamed.  Regretting your outbursts with no resolution.        
See my blog in control or spiralling or plummeting from the 10th June 24 for more on why this happens.  



Feeling anger does not mean you are an angry person, it means you feel.
 
SEEING YOUR ANGER IN NEW WAY
So as explained above we either see anger as connected to violence and aggression OR taboo and shameful.  
Both mean we want to avoid it at all costs.  

There is a third way of seeing anger.  
We can see anger as a feeling which can be a useful tool.
To experience and use it as information to guide and protect us; helping us make healthier choices.  
Our Anger can help recognise when there is an injustice to us or others that we care about.  
Here are some examples.  
*When your feelings and needs are being ignored.
*When you are not being listened to.
*When you are being taken advantage of.
*When someone falsely accuses you or does not believe you.   
*When someone hurts you (or other); physically, emotionally and/or sexually.
*When someone takes something from you without your permission.

Our body responds to this injustice by sensations in our body, we all feel this differently, so it’s good to learn how you experience anger so you can recognise it.  Body sensations may include;
*Your heart is beating faster.
*You feel tension in your body, such as clenched fists, teeth or arms, knots in your stomach.   
*You feel a burning up in your chest or around your body.
*You start to feel sweaty; palms go clammy.

Feeling angry is not a 'nice' feeling, but it is also not your enemy.  
STEPS TO MANAGE AND USE OUR ANGER AS A GUIDE.
1 - Recognise:
*Learn how you experience the energy of anger in your body, so you can recognise it when it happens.  
*Own your anger as a feeling which belongs to you and is there to guide you to help you protect yourself.  

2 - Manage.
*Focus on your breathing, slow it down and stay in your body.  
*When you have the time and space, allow yourself to connect with your anger, feeling the energy in your body.
*Allow the energy of your anger to pass through you like waves and allow it to naturally go.  

NOTE: You may feel the urge to shout, thump something, kick or throw.  You could use a pillow, or ball in a safe space.  This can only be useful but only if you think of it as releasing energy that can feel stuck, as opposed to getting rid of the anger as you don't want to own it.  


It is possible for someone to feel very angry and it is not that noticeable to an onlooker.  
In contrast you can see someone being very aggressive in their anger and they are not really connecting with it.   

NOTE: If you fear your anger will be overwhelming and not pass then calm yourself by slowing your breathing down, distract yourself and seek out professional help to help you explore the source of your anger.  

3 - Use your anger as a guide.
*Consider what made you angry.  
*Be curious, and ask yourself if a deeper anger was being triggered.
*Allow yourself time to consider what part of 'you' was affected causing you to become angry, for e.g. your needs, feelings, time and efforts, or your even personality.
*Consider what you can do or say which will help you protect yourself.

4 - Personal boundaries can help you protect yourself
I like this quote,
"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others".    Brene Brown.
Personal boundaries are what we need to have in place for our self-care.  
Some examples of types of boundaries;
*Limiting the time and energy you give someone who is demanding of you.  
*Turning down invitations for your own self-care.
*Allowing yourself time and space before you respond.
*Not putting yourself in vulnerable situations.  
*Only disclosing parts of yourself when you feel safe.
*Being prepared to say NO!

Learning to set boundaries is a skill which takes time to develop.
Some useful tips to consider:
1) Focus on one area first to gain confidence in setting your boundaries.
2) What do you need to have in place for your own self care?
3) Is your proposed boundary realistic and achievable?
4) Do you need to inform anyone about your boundary?
5) Make sure you stand by your boundary and stick to it.
6) Revise your boundary when you think it is needed and when you are ready.   



How useful was this information? I welcome your feedback.
First name only is fine, you may want to say where you are from.


]]> Thu, 10 Oct 2024 12:52:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?anger-1--when-supressed- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/00000001A <![CDATA[Reduce the impact of your shame ]]> imblog
Hi welcome to this blog which I outline ways we can reduce the impact of our shame.
To make the most of this blog it's worth reading my previous two blogs on shame.  
1) What is Shame? 9th September  2024 - where I look at what shame is and where it comes from.
2) Ways we deal with our shame. 16th September 2024.  Exploring how we experience and feed our shame.  

Within this blog I refer to Harry Potter, not that you need to be a fan to benefit from the references.  I also see the benefit of humour.  Using these references does not in any way mean that I treat shame lightly.  Shame affects many of us, it can prevent us from doing and being all, we would like and for some it can cause self-harm, addiction and even suicide. Shame can also be the core in addiction cycles.  We attempt to escape our shame by zoning out with our chosen vice.  But as the temporary relief subsides the act and its affects feeds ingo our shame.   
Shame is an area of mental health that people don't like to talk about, it is shameful to even mention shame.

I do believe you can reduce the impact of your shame.  It may never completely disappear, and when triggered it can still impact you, but you can learn to take the energy out of it so that you control your shame instead of your shame controlling you.  

Shame gets between people
*When you feel overwhelmed by shame it seems to take you into a different space, you don't feel able to connect to yourself or to others.  It’s like you have zoned out.
*Shame can be just 'in the room' and can be picked up by different people causing a disconnection between them.  It’s as if the zoning out is catching.

To reduce the impact of our shame it's useful to start with how we view our shame; I have always found it useful to see shame as a bully.  
Shame is like a bully
Some bullying at school is physical attacks but a lot of bullying is threats, taunting and humiliation. It is this emotional threatening bullying that I find is so similar to shame.  This makes sense as it is often being bullied as a child either at home or school which can be the cause of our shame in the first place.  
Consider these characteristics of a bully;
*A bully wants to intimidate you, when they know this is working, they come at you more.  When they suspect you are not intimidated, they don't back off.    
*A bully does not work on facts, only what they sense gets to you; so often what they say is untrue.
*A bully wants you to keep their threats a secret, keeping you alone and powerless.   
*A bully wants you to feel weak so that they can feel stronger  
When you stand up to a bully assertively, they usually draw back.  
In my experience with shame and working with my client's shame I have found each one of these characteristics of a bully relates to shame.  

Some things we should not as we work to reduce the impact our shame.
1) Don't be afraid to name your shame.  Lord Voldemort - He who shall not be named .... so much fear caught up in just not naming him.  Once Harry Potter started to name Voldemort the fear started to go.  This is like shame, to name it is to start to deal with it.  
2) Don't keep your shame hidden. Put light on your shame.  Getting to know your shame instead of hiding it away means you are much more aware of what you are dealing with.  
3) Don't try to deny or suppress your shame.  You can only start to deal with it once you own it, accepting that it is part of you.  

The more you know your shame the more you can reduce it’s impact.
How to get to know your shame,
Working with a therapist, or reliable trusted other can make a big difference as you try and work through how your shame affects you.  
You might find these useful areas to consider:
1) How does your shame affect you?
Consider your body sensations such as fast heart rate, clammy hands, racing thoughts, or do you just zone out and go blank.  You may find it relates to your anxiety, see my blog on "Taking control of your anxiety" 4th November 2024.
2) Does your shame come with a message? What do you tell yourself when you feel shame?  
Messages like 'not enough', 'too needy', 'rotten at the core’, ‘unlovable’, ‘repulsive to look at' to name just a few of these messages.   These messages can be so ingrained we just accept them as true.
If you can name your shame message you can start to challenge it.
3) Can you put an image on your shame? Some people have described their shame as a black heavy blanket, or Darth Vader, or sinking into a black hole.  I related to Dobby with my shame, no colour, less than others, apologetic to everyone for getting it wrong.

4) What can trigger your shame? This can take some reflection and monitoring.  Along with anxiety your brain reacts to associations.  This is not just words, but can also be a look from someone, a certain situation, the look of a place, even a smell can trigger off your shame.    
We can also feed our shame by what we focus on, see my second blog on shame for more information on this.  
Start to challenge your shame.  
Others may tell you not to listen to your negative thoughts, and encourage you to think positively about yourself but shame is not just in your head, it is a body reaction.  
Shame can be an ingrained instinctive response which has not been in your control and will take more than positive thinking.  Reducing your shame’s impact is like a skill which can be learnt, practised and mastered over time.

Don't believe the lie: Often we know in our heads that we are not what are shame tells us, but our body tells us we are. This is where you can start to question the lie of your shame, challenge it and start to listen to your logic and seeing other perspectives than the one your shame will tell you. It may feel like you are just kidding yourself; trying to convince yourself as your shame may well be embedded from childhood, but it does not make the shame right.  

Recognise the bodily symptoms: When you know your body responses you can recognise them as your shame.
Learn to regulate your body: There are ways you can learn to regulate your body so that you can calm the symptoms down.  See my blog on "Finding calm in emotional turmoil' 5th August 2024 for ways of reclaiming your calm.  
Stand up to your shame: Using the image your shame stands up to it, image yourself challenging it.
Developing a compassionate self-voice: Listen to the tone and words of your voice.  Are they critical and condemning? Do you recognise the voice from someone in your past?  By challenging the habitual self-critical voice and replacing it with compassionate, caring and encouraging voice a change takes place, the shame loses its impact.  
Use Humour: A really good antidote to shame is humour, not sure why but it works.  A great example of this was in the Harry Potter's book the Prisoner of Azkaban.  I find it explains this so much better than I can.

Dealing with a Boggart (shame) spell: (see u-tube link below, worth watching)
Professor Lupin is teaching the 'ridiculous' spell to Harry Potter's class.
A Boggart is a 'shapeshifter' that takes the shape of whatever you fear the most, so they are terrifying a bit like shame can be.  
The Boggarts are in the closet waiting to get out.
The spell is not enough, what finishes a Boggart is someone laughing at it, you make it take the shape you find most funny.  
Neville takes his turn, pictures his grandma's clothes on professor Snape who he is most scared of.
Ron sees a spider, who skids around the floor as if on ice-skates.
They all have to decide what they fear the most and turn it into something funny; to overcome their fear and stand up to it
https://uk.video.search.yahoo.com/search/video;_ylt=AwrkOgjGHWdm3sspwkgM34lQ;_ylu=Y29sbwNpcjIEcG9zAzEEdnRpZAMEc2VjA3BpdnM-?p=boggart+harry+potter&fr2=piv-web&type=E210GB714G0&fr=mcafee#id=1&vid=55f924006c3faba25145f5a3cba91e18&action=view

Reducing the impact of your shame:  
A step-by-step guide using the insights explored above:
1) Recognise your body sensation and thoughts that come with your shame so you can identify them
2) Learn to regulate yourself once these symptoms take place.
3) Know the message that comes with your shame and have a counter message to tell yourself.
4) Visualise your shame, and face it instead head on.
5) Say it is 'Riddikulus' and imagine a humorous image to represent it.
6) Develop a self-voice which is kind and compassionate.
7) Recognise where you are feeding your shame, and change this to positive inputs which feed acceptance and approbation of yourself.  

By treating your shame like a Boggart, you are able to picture your shame turning it into something funny. It is a way of standing up to your shame, it will take practice and persistence ... just like learning a spell.  

I hope you find these insights useful.  
We value your comments and feedback, first name only is fine






]]> Mon, 23 Sep 2024 11:12:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?reduce-the-impact-of-your-shame- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/000000013 <![CDATA[Ways we deal with our shame ]]> imblog
Hi, welcome to my second blog on shame.  In the first bog I looked at what shame is and where it comes from. In this blog I'm looking at the different ways we deal with our shame.  

For some people, shame can send them into despair, seeing no way out.  If this is the case, I urge you to seek professional help.  See our support page for groups, services and routes to therapists.     
We can experience our shame through:
IMAGES - e.g. we only see a distorted image of ourselves dictated by our shame.
THOUGHTS - e.g.  our critical self-talk can spiral us into a black hole.  
BODY SENSATIONS - e.g. as we feel our shame weighing us down, our heart races, we go into panic, sweat, palms go clammy, we shut down or freeze out.  
EMOTIONS - e.g. we experience emotions of fear, self-hatred, despair or embarrassment.  

Like most areas of our mental health, we may be aware that we are struggling but we don't know why and we are not always aware of how we are responding to cope.   

Often our responses are unconscious, which could be because;
* We learnt how to cope in the past and now these learnt ways have become second nature.  
* Our way of coping was mirrored to us by parents, peers or those we admire and it became our lived experience and our habitual way of doing things.    
* We used a way of numbing out or deflecting in order to cope so we could desensitise to the shame. Over time we have become addicted, what was a useful diversion or numbing is now controlling us and we find ourselves addicted to it.  This may relate to drink and drugs but also other areas taken to access like work, shopping or even social media.  

We all handle our shame differently, but I find there are 5 different categories which seem to sum up the different ways we deal with our shame.   We may well use them all at different times, say when alone, with family, friends or at work.   These are:
1) To suppress the sense of shame in the hope it goes away
2) To feed the shame.
3) To deny it, taking it out on others instead.  
4) To take it out on yourself – self-hatred.  
5) To submit to it and allow it to conquer you.  
Suppressing shame in the hope it goes away?  
Many of us through family and school learn at an early age to suppress feelings, with the message 'just get on with it.  We learn to switch off from experiencing our feelings which often means going into our head and thoughts. See my blog on 'Ups and Downs' for more on this.  We try to do the same with shame; but as shame is so internalised it has become part of who we are and hard to suppress.   Below is a list of some of the issues with suppressing our shame:
* You have to hide your true self, put on a false mask or image which can be hard and exhausting to maintain.  
* You need to take sedatives to cope, these become addictive.  A shame cycle plays out, you need to take more to reduce the sense of shame, but then after an initial relief you regret, feel worse and this feeds your shame.  
* You may choose antidepressants to deal with your shame, but that means a numbing out of all feelings.  
* You have to keep doing, keep proving yourself as to stop would mean facing how you really feel about yourself.  

You feed your shame:
Fully believing what your shame tells you it's easy to become hyper-alert for signs which support what your shame is telling you.   You can become so focused on what is wrong with you that you are looking out all the time for the proof of your convictions.  A well-known area for this is around size and looks, particularly but by no means exclusively women. If anyone challenges your negative self-belief you cannot hear it and so bat it off.  
The difficulty in this area is that you don't only have your shamed past haunting you, but you also have images, media, stereotypes and cultures supporting what your shame tells you.  You feed your shame yourself by focusing on these and in addition your environment constantly feeds it as well; this includes peer pressure and comments from those around you even when they are trying to support you.  
Here is some of the issues relating to this;
* You become obsessed with checking, watching out for signs to confirm your shame.  
* You compare yourself with others, but only those which help to confirm your view of yourself.
* Your self-talk joins in to criticise and confirm your fears.  
* You keep your shame to yourself, as your own secret too ashamed to tell anyone.  
* You are drawn to and focus on images, media and anything which supports your negative self-belief.  

You deny your shame and take it out on others.  
This can often take place between couples, or anytime one with shame can master power over someone, say in families or work situations.  To be able to deny your shame you need to bring down another to make yourself feel ok.  The other has to be wrong in your eyes, so that you become right.  It can be described as projecting onto others what you can't own yourself.  Some issues with this way of dealing with shame;

*You become the person you don't want to be, feeding the shame even more.
*You end up isolating yourself, unable to connect to anyone even those close to you.
*Constantly protecting your secret can build up negative energy in you and can mean you react in uncontrollable ways.  
*You end up taking it out on those you love the most.  
*You can never be honest with yourself.

Take your shame out on yourself
Our shame is so deep you believe it is a part of who you are, and you hate ourselves as a result.  You spiral into self- loathing which is hard to escape.  This will lead to a hopelessness, a sense of despair and depression which makes you want to hide from others, you become more isolated which adds to your sense of despair of yourself and your life.  This often means that;

*You lose connection from others.
*You turn to self-abuse. Your belief that you deserve to hurt as you are so wretched can give temporary relief but then just adds to the shame.   
*You expect more from yourself than you could ever give so live constantly disappointed with yourself.   
*Your energy and focus is about pulling yourself down so you end up with little energy for anything else and want to hide away.  

You just submit to your shame
You allow your shame to dictate your life, and you 'opt out' as it feels safer.
You believe you can't so you don't try.
You believe you are not ok so you isolate yourself.  
You don't confide in others as you are convinced you are not worth their time.  
You prefer to hide than be seen.  

Shame takes hold when:
See also my first blog on 'what is shame'
*You believe the lies that your shame tells you.
*You try to push it away, ignore it instead of facing it head on.
*You allow it to have power over you.
*You keep it secret and never talk about it.
*You hide away and isolate yourself from others.  
*You focus on the very things which support your negative belief.

The energy can go from shame when:
*You recognise your shame and how you respond to it
*You face your shame, and own how it affects you.
*You find the right person to talk to.
*You consider where your shame originated.  
*You start to find compassion and acceptance of yourself.  
*You decide to show the real you, taking off the mask.
 
How useful was this information?  I welcome your feedback.  
Please share your thoughts both here and on our social media posts, helping others to know they are not alone.       
First name only is fine, you may want to say where you are from.    



]]> Mon, 16 Sep 2024 12:59:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?ways-we-deal-with-our-shame- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/00000001D <![CDATA[What is shame?]]> imblog
Hi welcome to my blog. This section is all about shame.  The shame which can cripple you with that overwhelming sense there is something fundamentally wrong with you.  You just want to go in a corner and hide.  Shame has been an un-welcome intruder in my life for many years, now with insights and tools it's become a lingering bystander with very little energy.  

I can only hope to give you insights into shame on these pages.  It is really hard to understand your shame on your own.  Reaching out can be hard, but working with a trained therapist to help manage your shame can make all the difference.  Please see our signposting page to give ideas of where you might be able to get the support you need.  

This first of a series of blogs is an overview of shame, in later blogs I will explore different aspects of shame.  At each blog I will introduce tools which may help.  

How does your unwanted shame affect you?  It usually comes with a message, and I find it useful to imagine it so I can picture it and recognise it for what it is.  

For me it's like a sudden heavy black rough blanket has come over me.  I seem to freeze, I can't think straight, my heart beats faster and my stomach feels like a dead weight.  The message I get is "well simply I'm not enough".  I am not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough and so on.  Then slowly it goes down, the energy subsides and I regain connection with myself and others.   The feeling of I'm not OK remains but it is in the background.

Shame is complicated and there are many books written about it.  I want to share the insights and tools that have most helped me take the energy out of my shame and also what I have used when working with my clients.  

FIRST - Can shame be healthy? Yes, healthy shame helps us have a healthy society.  What is deemed as acceptable can change over time and be different in cultures.  It helps us to consider others.  It helps us to keep to laws, rules and live the way we want to.   

There is also an unhealthy shame, which can overpower us causing a disconnect from ourselves and others.     That is what these blogs are about, the crippling shame which is not about a healthy society and can be found at the root of unhealthy relationships, addictions, lifestyles and attitudes; but more about that in later blogs.

First let's get an overview of shame.      
Often shame and guilt are confused.
It can be hard to tell them apart but I think it is essential to do so if you want to take the energy out of your toxic shame.   I find this so useful.
Guilt: It's about something you have done.
You can apologise, learn from it, possibly put it right, move on.
Toxic Shame:  It's about what is wrong with you.
I am not enough; I feel like there is something wrong with me.  

Some ways that people feel shame
  * The way they look - too fat, too thin, too tall, too small, too not-pretty, etc.
  * Just not good enough at what they do, or about what they can't do.   
  * Lack of confidence when meeting new people or in public.
  * Due to a disability, or anything different about them.  
  * Not masculine enough, or feminine enough
Basically, we can be prone to shame for many different reasons.

Some people have far more unhealthy shame.
Their life experiences meant that they were shamed and it got embedded.  These are some ways shame can start.  But note this is a simplistic, the reality has lots of different scenarios but it gives an idea.
  * Through parents who discipline in a shameful way.  Consider these two different attitudes to discipline.  
The parents explain what the child has done wrong but they are still loved and accepted for who they are.  
OR The parents say the child is bad, there is no repair, the child is left with a sense that they are not OK.  
  * Negative comments from parents, teachers, others close to us who keep pointing out what they see is wrong with us. Like comments about our weight, looks etc.    
  * From being bullied, by other children at school, by parents, teachers and other significant adults.
  * By being sexually, physically or emotionally abused and neglected.   
  * By being humiliated in front of others, often at school.

Then the shame gets in, you believe it, it becomes part of who you are.  
Then it gets constantly triggered by lots of things, including,
  * When someone says or does something which relates to our shame
  * We are bombarded with images and voices about what we should look like, be like, what is successful, what you should be doing, feeling and achieving.  We feed off these, and they feed our shame that there is something wrong with us.
  * When our environment does not meet our needs, our shame tells us it's our fault, we are not OK.
  * When we get something wrong and it triggers our shame.  
  * When we don't agree with others we think we are wrong.      

So what can we do about shame?  
I encourage you to be curious about the following:
1) Is this feeling I have guilt or shame?  
2) If it is shame, is it healthy shame or unhealthy shame?
3) If I have unhealthy shame, where do I feel it in my body, can I identify it?     
4) Where did it come from and can I identify the cause?  
Shame becomes larger in us with more energy when:
  * We keep it a secret and don't talk about it.
  * We feed it and focus on it going into a downward spiral.
  * We let it tell us everyone else is OK while we are not OK.
  * We focus on the things that trigger our shame.

I see taking the energy out of shame as a skill, you need the right tools, time to develop the skill and help and support as you do.   
Please see my blogs on connecting body and mind as this helps with shame.  
Finding the right help is not easy but we have listed some possibilities on our support page.  

During this series of blogs, I will share different theories of shame from experts and include ways I have found for me and my clients to manage their shame, including some creative approaches using imagery.  

How useful was this information?  I welcome your feedback.  
Please share your thoughts both here and on our social media posts, helping others to know they are not alone.       
First name only is fine, you may want to say where you are from.    

]]> Mon, 09 Sep 2024 14:40:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?what-is-shame- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/000000008 <![CDATA[Getting in touch with your playful side. ]]> imblog
Hi, this blog is all about getting in touch with our playfulness. By allowing our playful inner child to come forth it allows us to let go of our inhibitions and just be in the moment.  
Our days can be so busy doing things that we have no energy for anything else.  When we get a chance to stop, we can often end up zoning out with mindless distractions.  There can be little time left to connect with ourselves and others; a chance just to enjoy being.
 
By allowing our playfulness to come forth we can leave the hum drum and stresses and just be in the moment.  

I love the thought in this quote that playing can keep us young, but I believe it is more than just a nice thought.  
Play as a term is used in different contexts so first let me outline what I mean by 'play'
 
Play is about ....
*Letting go of the need to perform and achieve.
*Enjoying the moment - focusing fully on the here and now.  
*Responding to that inner urge to break from the norm.  
*Allowing the process to lead you ... wherever it goes.  
*Escaping from all the head noise, stresses, tensions and just being.
*Putting down your mask, and letting the real you shine through.  
*Taking the risk of not minding what others think.

Playing helps us ...
*Be more creative.
*Connect with ourselves and our bodies' sensations.
*Connect with others.
*Express our feelings and personality.
*Be spontaneous
*Use and strengthen our imagination.   
*Rejuvenate us when we have felt sluggish and drained.

The best play experiences can be the most spontaneous
I remember climbing my favourite oak tree as a child.  As I sat in the branches I felt like the keeper of the tree castle, I felt strong, connecting with the tree's life-force; I could do anything.  
 
A few years ago, I saw a tree with strong branches calling out for me to climb it, pulling on my desire to reconnect with this childhood experience.  It would have been so easy to brush this off as silly and walk away. This would be to deny this little voice inside, this urge to take the risk.   But instead, I decided to go for it and decided to reach the first strong branch and sit on it.  It was so much harder as an adult. I found my way to the branch and sat looking out to the field below.  I could again capture a sense of connection with the tree and my own strength.  I was in touch with my natural playfulness, and it felt good.    

Or like this photo I found, you can just enjoy trying to see how far you get.
Some believe that we are all drawn towards one of the 4 elements in our play, do you know which could be yours?  Mine has always been water first then fire.  Here is some way we can connect to each.
EARTH - mud pies, getting muddy, gardening, connecting with the earth and with leaves, plants, clay and modelling.   
WIND - Feeling the wind through your body, flying kites, going fast, anything which relates to speed and flying.

WATER - Could be swimming in the sea, the joy of waterfalls, splashing in puddles, hot-tubs, or just enjoying dancing in the rain.

FIRE - Whether its a real fire or a fire-pit there can be something quite magical about fire.  We can also be drawn as we look at candles flickering in our home.

Play is about allowing ourselves to be who we want to be in that moment.  It does not matter if there is anybody there to see us, it's about letting go and having fun.  

To sing and be that superstar or winning ‘The Voice’ even from our own kitchen.  To sing in the bath, shower or when cooking can all release that tension of the day.

Imagination -
We all have an imagination, but it can often be used as a way of feeding our anxiety as we 'imagine' the worst.  
I believe we can exercise our imagination muscles and allow imagination to take us into special places, calming places, or exciting places.  
We can imagine being, doing, or going wherever we want and enjoying the moment.  
With practice we can imagine smells, sights, sounds so that we are connecting to our senses through our imagination.  
NOTE: If we find ourselves triggered by what we imagine and it brings on fear, anxiety, bad memories it's worth exploring this with a professional therapist.  

Creativity - Play can be about connecting with our creative side.  There are so many different ways to be creative, it's giving ourselves the chance to let our creative juices just flow without feeling the need to perform or produce to other people’s expectations.
 
Connect with our children - When adults, particularly parents are able to immerse themselves in play with their children I believe it can be the most precious bonding experience.  Children are able to enjoy a time where agendas, pressures, outcomes and stresses go and a playful connection in the moment takes over.   From my experience working with children, it is these times they remember and cherish.  

 
Connection with our partners - With work, families and day to day chores life can become a cycle of routines. Playfulness can put a spark back into life.  From water fights at the sink, singing together or just being silly as you are out together.  To just connect with your playfulness in the moment you can escape all the stresses and enjoy that fun and connection in that moment.  
                                 
Connection with ourselves - Our days can often be about conforming, performing, losing a sense of who we are in order to be right for others.  Getting in touch with your playful side can give you those precious moments when you can just be you, the wild you, the silly you, the risky you, the flamboyant you, the you that was maybe not accepted or maybe got suppressed or dismissed when you were younger.  

What stops us allowing our playfulness to come forth.
So many people find it hard to get in touch with their playful side.  Here are some of the reasons.
* When we were children we were given the message that playing was wrong and even shameful.  Messages like 'grow up', 'stop being silly' 'you are showing me up' etc.  These messages may have become embedded in us and stop us from following an urge to be playful.  
* We can have such a strong sense of the need to always be performing.  The need to produce results, to have an outcome in order for something to feel like it is worthwhile.  To do anything in the moment would be a waste of time.  I suspect anyone thinking this may well have given up reading this blog at the introduction.  
*We have a strong perfectionist streak, the need to do something well or not at all will always take away from the ability of being in the moment in a playful way.  
* We feel too exhausted by life to put any energy into play.   
* We can be so focused on what people think of us, then we are far too self-conscious to be playful.   
*People around us respond negatively whenever we are playful and so we have learnt to hold it back and conform in order to be accepted and belong.  
               
We talk of being on our own personal journey of awareness, to learn more about ourselves.  Exploring what stops us being able to be playful is all part of this journey.  
 
It’s worth reflecting on what stops you getting in touch with your playful side.  If you can overcome this and feel able to choose to take the risk and allow the playful part of you to emerge, you can enjoy and experience so much more of who you are, where you are at that moment and who you are with.  
I hope this helps you unleash your playful side.
I would love to know what you think with this and all my blogs.  Please leave your comments in the section below.
]]> Mon, 19 Aug 2024 11:24:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?getting-in-touch-with-your-playful-side-- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/000000017 <![CDATA[How to live in the 'now'. ]]> imblog
Hi, welcome to my blog on ‘Connecting to the Present’.  
Previously in my Reclaiming Calm series I discussed 'dysregulation', why this can happen and what tools we can develop to bring us back to a calm regulated state.  
In this blog I talk about the building blocks to present moment experiences.  It's an alternative to constant head noise; regretting the past, overthinking the present and worrying about the future.  
The 5 Building Blocks to present moment experience.  
This particular way of presenting present moment experience comes from the work of Ogden and Fisher in 2014.  I have also added a description title to each one.  I renamed them stones instead of blocks to save confusion with blocking out..
The building stones refer to 5 areas of information which help us live life connecting with ourselves, others and the world around us. We live, work and function best when we are accessing information from all 5.
Each building stone will take information from the one below to help it process. The cognition is at the top, the smallest stone, but it is needed as we consider and reflect on the information received from the others.

Many of us ignore or have become desensitised to the information from the 4 lower building stones and we are left with just the top one; left living in our heads.    
A look at each building stone in more detail.
1) BODY SENSATIONS: The foundational stone.  
All your physical body; inc. heart rate, hunger, muscle tension, pains, butterflies, nausea, tingling, vibrating, shivery, dull etc.
We gain so much information when we stop and focus on our body, learning to become aware of our body sensations and start to be curious about them.  'What is your body telling you?'

2) MOVEMENT: The action stone.
Your gross motor movements of your arms and legs, fine motor movements of fingers and toes. Your postures, facial expressions, body language, gestures, pounding heart, trembling legs or other areas of your body.  
As you focus on movements in your body, which are conscious and deliberate and which are habitual and unconscious you gain valuable information about yourself and how you are responding to others and situations. For example, you notice your leg slightly bouncing, focusing on it you realise you want to run to escape as you are feeling unsafe and vulnerable.


3) Five-sense perception: Our stimuli detector stone.
Our 5 internally generated senses of; smell, taste, texture, sight and sound.   
It is so easy to take these senses for granted.  Until that is, we start to lose them, for example when needing glasses or hearing aids.  Our senses are continually working to pick up information which is fed into our brains.
Becoming aware of this information at its point of source means that you are able to connect with what you are experiencing instead of zoning out and missing it.  For example, you can hear the birds singing, you can slow down and smell and taste your food. You see that it was only a cat that made the noise that just frightened you.

4) Emotions: Our responses which informs our feelings.
Our emotions are our responses to 'real-time' data coming from the previous stones.  
This is different to feelings which are more altered by our cognitive input.  
Being aware of our emotions, our nuances of tones, moods, irritations, fears, energy of anger, or of joy etc can give us valuable information which we can then consider in our cognition.  

5) Cognition: Data gathering stone.  
This includes our thoughts, interpretations, meanings, beliefs about ourselves, others and the world around us.  
When we are equipped with information from the other stones, this top stone can effectively organise, prioritise, evaluate and act in ‘real time’ and to meet our needs. Without the information from the other stones the cognitive stone is left to guess, spiral, feed on outdated information and draw on irrelevant information from external sources.  

Some of the problems with only focusing on Cognition
1) Our thoughts are often 'contaminated' by our environment; for example, other people’s comments, what we watch on TV, what we pick up from social media etc.
2) Our beliefs, interpretations and meanings of things are often given to us by others often in childhood and sit in our cognitive stone.  Without information from the other building stones these become outdated and may not relate to our current wants and needs. We can end up making decisions which are not right for us.
3) Our thoughts can feed our fears, and will feed into our amygdala which makes us anxious.  (see more in my blog  "Taking control of your anxiety" on 4th November 2024)
4) Our thoughts can feed our imagination as we imagine the worst.  
5) Our thoughts are just thoughts, they may be true or they may not be, without using the other information available to you it is hard to know.  
6) Living in our thoughts drains our energy, we can often feel drained. When sleep is affected by thinking this can make this worse.  
7) To avoid our emotions, we often try and desensitise from body sensations by zoning or numbing out. Our chosen method of zoning out can very easily lead to addiction.  (see my blog on 24th June 2024 "zoning out as an escape").
8) When we are not aware of the information we receive via our other channels we can hold emotions, feelings, trauma and shame in our bodies affecting our posture, health and body language.  

Some of the advantages gained from using all the building stones of information:
1) We can focus on the present, moving from past regrets and future fears.  
2) We can find joy and peace in the moment.  
3) We improve our decision making as we have more information to work from.
4) We become more aware of our needs and wants.  
5) We can connect with our emotions and become aware of our feelings.  
6) We can express ourselves more clearly.
7) We become regulated and calm more of the time.  
8) We learn to respond by choosing, not just reacting to situations and people.
9) We become more alert to what feels physically or emotionally unsafe and we can protect ourselves.
10) We are more equipped to have personal boundaries in place.  
11) We can connect to others, without losing a sense of who we are.  
12) We have greater awareness of ourselves, helping with self-acceptance and self-compassion.    
We learn to 'be' in the moment.
Instead of constantly 'doing' and feeling like we need to do more.  

I hope you have found this blog useful.  
Your comments below are welcome.
Maz






]]> Mon, 12 Aug 2024 09:04:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?how-to-live-in-the--now--- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/00000000B <![CDATA[Finding calm in emotional turmoil. ]]> imblog
Hi, In this blog I look at the tools we can use to regulate ourselves when we become emotionally overwhelmed.  It's about restoring our nervous system to a balance which keeps us calm, in control.   
When we are 'regulated' we feel calm, engaged and able to connect with ourselves and others.
In my 2nd blog on managing our ups and downs I list ways we experience being regulated, and also the different ways we can experience dysregulation.  

Dan Seigel termed the phrase "Window of Tolerance" which I like, it's the window in which we can successfully manage and respond to the stresses which come our way.  

When we are triggered by something or someone, we can leave this window and become dysregulated.
Some signs of dysregulation -
*Anxious, find it difficult to make decisions.
*React out of control, angry or defensive.
*Impulsive, making risky decisions not thinking them through.
*Want to hide, feel weak and powerless.
*Feel disconnected, useless, depressed.
Again, see my 2nd blog on Managing your ups and downs for more details.  
 
Become aware about how you are responding in situations.  
The more attuned you are to your body and its responses the more you can be aware that you are leaving the window of tolerance and becoming dysregulated.  
How wide is your window of tolerance?
Narrow window: When you are easily emotionally overwhelmed, anxious or disconnected with yourself and others.    
Many factors can cause us to have a narrow window of tolerance including stresses in our current home or work life.  We may have had parents or carers who could not manage their own emotions so we were never taught to manage ours, giving us a low tolerance.   
Whatever the reason it is never too late to learn the skills to help you stay regulated and return to that window of tolerance.  
Wide window: The more we use and practice these skills the more our window extends so you can cope more and react less.  

Skills for self-regulation:
Breathing.  Central to our existence .. but  so often ignored.  
Being dysregulated means that we focus on head noise, or become disconnected with our bodies in some way. So, we need to focus back on our bodies, and the best way to start this is our breathing.  
1) Focus on your breathing and slow it down.  When we are dysregulated, we often breathe fast.  
2) Try to spend longer on the exhale as this slows the heart rate down.
3) Is your breathing shallow or deep? Try breathing from your belly.  
NOTE: Most people find deep breathing calming, however some find it overwhelming if this is the case focus on slowing it down, or use other methods for regulation).

4) Find what works for you as a routine and practice it.
*Putting your hand on your heart and or ribs can help.  
*Count in a box routine of inhale hold then exhale.  
*Breath in through your nose, out through your mouth.
*Spend time trying out different ways and see what works for you.  
There are lots of ideas on google, worth having a look at.  
Then when you find what's best for you, practice and develop the skill.  

ALSO try these different ways to keep yourself regulated and connected and see which work for you.   

Grounding: This is where you change your focus onto your body.  The more you do this the more you become attuned to what is going on with your emotions, body responses and how you really feel.  
* Start with your feet on the floor, best if you have bare feet.  Focus on the connection between your feet and the tiles, grass, sand etc.    
*Focus on each part of your body.  Breathing into it as you go, make connections with each part of you.  

Sense of smell: There may well be a smell which you find calming, if so, it's worth keeping this on hand and enjoy the comfort it brings as you breathe it in deeply.  

An imaginary safe place of escape: This may be a place we have been as a child or adult.  A meaningful place we felt safe and secure.  A place we can remember and go back in our minds, recalling the smells, sounds and sights.  Or we can have a photo on hand we can look at and take ourselves back to it.  
The seaside often comes up, you can take yourself back and remember the feel of the water on your feet the sand between your toes.  
It's worth going back regularly to top up if you get chance.    

Sense of hearing: Some sounds can be calming.  It’s worth experimenting and seeing what sounds work for you, often the natural sounds of animals, birds and nature can work well.    

Calming Anchor:  This is where you choose something concrete which represents something or someone that feels safe to you.  You can keep it close by and it will bring you calm.  This is very individual.  

Mantra's - Self-talk - This is your own special message which you repeat to yourself.  When a message is repeated enough times the brain takes in on board.  Consider;
If your message to yourself is "I am stupid", "I am going to fail" etc then this is what you will believe.  
If your message to yourself is "I am safe", or "I am strong" or "I can be calm" then you take that on board.
So explore what message you need to hear and include your message with your breathing routine and allow yourself to embrace it.  Remember the tone of voice needs to be compassionate and caring not judgemental and harsh.   

Stroking your arms or legs: It may sound strange but this way of regulating yourself can be really effective, and is also more common than you would think.  If you are a people watcher you can often see people stroking up and down their legs, or arms.  This may well be unconscious; they have just learnt that it is soothing and do it without thinking.  The action needs to be slow, gentle and firm where your focus is on the connection between your hands and legs or arms.  

Patting yourself: Gently but firmly patting your arms or chest can also help you to regulate yourself.  This is not so easy in company as it can look strange but well worth trying.
A safe space in your home: To have a place to go to and just take stock.  A place of safety, comfort, which means you can stop, do your breathing and take the time you need.  

I hope you find these ideas useful and you can explore what works best for you to keep you regulated.  
We are not all the same and it takes a while to learn what best suits you.  
When you find this it's worth practicing at least daily, or as often as you can so that you have good resources to call upon when you're feeling overwhelmed and dysregulated.  

Your feedback is always welcome, either on this blog or on social media posts.  First names are fine.  

]]> Mon, 05 Aug 2024 12:45:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?finding-calm-in-emotional-turmoil-- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/000000018 <![CDATA[When we feel like we don't belong. ]]> imblog
Hi.  In this blog I look at our basic need to belong and what we can do when we feel like an outsider.   
Our sense of belonging
Our need to belong can be met in different ways, for example;
*Friendship groups
*Family and extended family
*Specific interest group
*Culture or race
*A spiritual group
There are many different ways people feel a sense of belonging.  
I also think of finding my tribe, the people I feel connected to, they have a similar way of thinking; even if I have never met them but can relate to them through books or films.  

Brene Brown studies different emotions and relational experiences.  
In ‘Atlas of the Heart’, she made some good points about belonging which she referred to as;
Places we go when we search for connection.
Belonging is essential to wellbeing as we are a social species.
But she goes on to say belonging is only belonging when we can be ourselves, if we have to deny who we are, put a mask on to be someone different this is not belonging ... its conforming, acting out of fear or just fitting in.
This is when we can lose a sense of our own other needs and wants in order to meet our need to belong.

Many of us have a sense that we don't belong
Our life experience could have told us that we don't belong.  
This can come from social cues, family experience, social interactions, cultural expectations and prejudices.
The environment (the place and with the people) where we lived, went to school, or worked did not align with who we were, we just could not fit in.

It can be a practical sense of not belonging.
I have poor eyesight and had to give up driving, there have been times I just didn't belong in a group where driving is taken for granted.  
If you have any kind of additional needs, you can often have a sense of not fitting in when these needs are not catered for.  

If you feel you don't belong, these may be some ways you deal with it;
1) You may deny who you are and what you believe in and go with the crowd.
2) You may feel it's safer to decide you are a loner and do not need the connection of others.  
3) You may continually try and prove yourself, try to be better, work harder, achieve more to be acceptable.  
4) You may use a sedative, like drink, drugs or other to lose your inhibitions and help you fit in.  
5) You may be continually hyper-vigilant to the acceptance or rejection from others, always wanting to check that they see you as being OK so that you can relax when you get their approval.
6) You may just attend, but always carry that sense of not being part of the group, not really belonging.  

Your sense of not belonging could be from your past.
Many of us never felt we belonged growing up, and we carry the sense that we don't belong with us now.  
When our sense of not belonging is so engrained we can unconsciously (or consciously) be on hyper-alert for signs of rejection.
Any slight comment, body language, or suggestion can trigger our sense of not belonging and we feel like an outsider.  This can then affect your confidence to contribute in a group so you hold back, which further adds to your sense of isolation.
NOTE: Being curious about where your sense of not belonging came from can really help in this.  
If you don't know, working with a therapist can help you find the source and its hold over you.  

What can we do when we feel we don't belong?
For many the key to belonging can start with the acceptance of self.  
I have found in my own journey and that of my clients that we seek the acceptance from others, to fill the void of not really accepting ourselves.  

The paradoxical theory of change, as part of Gestalt work, Says;
Change occurs when one becomes what they are, not when they try to become what they are not.  
Real belonging is when we can be ourselves while still maintaining a connection with others.  
This takes acceptance of ourselves, and acceptance of others.  

How do we accept ourselves?
For many of us fully accepting ourselves is an ongoing journey, and doing this with a therapist or trusted friend or family member can help.    
You may find these ways useful.

1) Consider your traits or roles.  
In therapy we often call them 'parts'.  We are made up of different ones.
e.g. Honest, risk taking, creative, introvert, musical, energetic, a people pleaser.  
Some may be more like roles like a father, son, builder, manager.
Some of your parts may be your natural you, like introverted, or being a mother.
Other parts may well be adaptations which came from how you responded to others growing up; like being a perfectionist, control freak, or easily angered.     
Acknowledging and accepting all your parts instead of denying them is important.  

2) Learn to accept each part of you with compassion.
If there is a part of you which you don't like you may try and deny it.
Denying parts means they always linger in the background ready to surface when you least want them to. Often those close to you can see these parts in you even when you have denied them in yourself.
Its best to;
i) Own this part
ii) Reflect where it comes from, finding understanding for yourself.
iii) Consider if the part is naturally you, or if you developed it as a way of responding in the past.  
iv) Question if you still need to hang onto this part or let it go.  
It may be that you need to find resolution with yourself or someone else to let a part go.  

3) Our parts often are like a double edged sword.
Each part of us is likely to have both helpful and unhelpful aspects to them.  
When we appreciate this we know we need to take the rough with the smooth as we fully accept each part of who we are.    

I have chosen examples from my blog on the 15th July to outline how our parts can be double edged.  
These parts describe ways we respond to others which we developed as children.
People pleaser: People with this part are more likely to fit in and feel part of a group, they are often seen by others to be easier to be with. However, this can be at the cost of them losing a sense of their own wants and needs.
Resourcer: Someone who is always there for others and considered to have the qualities of being kind and considerate.  However, often helping others is at the detriment of their own needs and they can end up feeling put on and taken advantage of.
Fighter: Someone who stands up for their own needs and wants.  They are often the passionate ones and are the one to challenge prejudices and injustices.  However, they can come over aggressive and some people pull away from this.  They have to learn to manage their anger and passion to put over their point so it can be heard.
Flight: This is someone who learnt that to stay emotionally or physically safe they needed to leave.  This meant they did not adapt to others so did not lose a sense of who they were.   However, this also means that they often feel they are not part of a group and feel they are missing out.
Cry for Help: This learnt way of being means that you identify your needs and have learnt to ask for them.  The difficulty comes when others who initially want to respond to you can soon find it too much and pull away.  
Submit and Flop: Freezing up: Both of these ways of responding helped us survive during trauma.  They can however remain as a part, a way of being which can be worked through with professional help.

4) Enjoy being you.
Once we learn to accept ourselves and all our parts, we don't need to hide who we are.  
We are not desperately looking for signs that we are being rejected.
We can stop seeking approval from others in order to belong.  
The need to conform in order to fit in does not take priority.
When we feel we don't belong we don't have to take it that we are not enough.   
We can accept our differences and the differences of others.
We can find those who we relate to, and have similar interests and ideas.  

I really like the Gestalt verse for this so wanted to share it with you;
I do my thing and you do your thing
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.  
You are you, and I am I,
And if by chance we find each other it's beautiful, if not it can't be helped
Fritz Perls.

I hope you find this information useful.  Please leave a comment below, as they can be really helpful.  
First names only is fine.

]]> Mon, 29 Jul 2024 11:18:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?when-we-feel-like-we-don-t-belong-- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/000000015 <![CDATA[Too needy or just our human needs. ]]> imblog
Hi, welcome to this blog about what our needs are.  
I used to squirm with shame if it was being suggested I was being 'too needy' the shame of it.  Our physical needs such as food, clothing, shelter seem to be so much more acceptable than to have what is termed psychological or emotional needs that can be seen as weak, or 'needy', yet they are still our human needs.    
If we were to be compared to a computer (which we are not as we are so much more complicated and sophisticated); it would be like our physical needs are the hardware while our psychological needs are the software; both needed for functioning.
An overview of our needs with the help of Maslow?
It was Maslow who started to outline our needs back in the 1940s and 50s with his ‘Hierarchy of needs'; which is still often referred to today.  He used a pyramid to indicate how the lower basic needs have to be in place in order for us to have the higher needs met.  This makes so much sense.  It’s no-good talking to someone about their psychological needs when they are feeling unsafe, starving or homeless.  This does not mean that the needs higher up the pyramid are not important, but they are often missed.  

What do we mean by psychological needs?
I found it so useful learning and reflecting on these needs but I also found it confusing as they would be referred to in different ways.  
Our psychological needs are referred to in mainly 3 different ways;
Emotional needs: The needs we have to feel happy and at peace with ourselves and the world.
Developmental needs: The needs we have as children and adolescents.   
Relational needs: The needs which we have in relationships with other people
All of these three areas are important and overlap with each other.
I wanted to share with you the needs that I have found most relevant in my own journey and in my work, and for this blog refer to them as emotional needs.  

Our needs that we missed when we were growing up.
I believe that people do the best they can at the time, with the emotional and physical resources available to them.  However, this often means that parents don't manage to meet their children’s needs.  
It may be that your physical needs were met, you were clothed, fed, housed, kept safe and you felt you were well looked after.  It may have been that some of your emotional needs were not met.  It may well be that your parents did not have the emotional capacity and skills to meet these needs in you.  

Emotional needs:
Note: These needs are listed in very basic terms to give an overview.  It's worth considering each one and if and how it may apply to you.  

Our need to be held: From birth we need to know the safety and comfort of being held.  Sometimes this can get missed due to traumatic events at the time of birth, such as separation or depression in the mother.  Repair usually takes place as the parent child bond is developed and grows.  In some cases the parent may have never managed to fully bond with the child.  It may also be that the parents felt it best practice not to comfort the child in this way.   As an adult there may always be a yearning to be held, it can feel like a void which can't be filled.  In contrast we may have a sense of feeling emotionally unsafe at being held and avoid being physically comforted by another and we inwardly recoil.  
Our need to be seen and valued: This could be seen as two needs but I have put them together as I feel they are so closely linked.  There is so much in this; we all need to feel we are noticed; who we are and what we do is seen and valued.  Our childhood experiences can become what we expect.  Imagine the difference in these two scenarios.
A 7-year-old brings home a picture they have done at school and gives it to their parent who then says how wonderful it is, and proudly puts it on the fridge.  Alternatively, the parent dismisses the efforts and the picture ends up in the bin.  If the child's lived experience is for their efforts to be dismissed it does not take long for the child's learnt way of being is not to be valued. In adult life they continue not to expect to be seen and valued; they may allow themselves to be taken advantage of, and can end up not valuing their own time and skills.  The yearning to be seen, valued and appreciated never leaves them but it may go unchecked and suppressed.   

Our need to be heard: It may be that we are wanting to give our opinion, or express our needs or desires.  Maybe we are just wanting to contribute as part of a group but we all need to be heard.  Yet for many, our experience growing up, and in adult life was that we were not listened to.  It may also have been that what we had to say was missed, disregarded, ridiculed, or we were just ignored.  We could end up habitually expecting that we will not be heard, so we have learnt it's not worth giving our opinion, or stating our needs.  We can also be affected by a culture that is so busy doing, or engrossed in phones, TV etc that we never get a chance to stop and listen to each other.  

Our need to be accepted for who we are:  I often talk about the need to accept ourselves but this is so much easier if we were always accepted for being us when we were growing up.  Even as adults when we are responsible for our own lives it can feel easier and safer to conform; being and doing what others expect of us rather than doing or being what we feel is right for us. This can be particularly true between family members. The problem then comes when we lose sight of who we are and what we really want.  We find ourselves living our life to please others, which can result in resentment and dissatisfaction.   

Our need to feel emotional safe and express emotions: Did you ever hear the phase "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." or similar messages that told you it was not the place to express your emotions? We all feel anger at times, but how it is perceived can be very different.  A child may feel angry at something, for example they felt they have been treated unfairly and then their parents helped them to understand why they were angry and taught them how to deal with it.  Alternatively, their parents punished them for being angry without the help or explanation to manage it. They soon learned it was not safe to express their emotions so they pushed them down and held them in.  

Our need to rebel and still feel accepted: Having spent many years working with teenagers I have seen the push and pull of contrasting needs.  The need to feel the safety and security of belonging to a family, while leaving it and finding their own path and own identity.  Can I disagree with you and still be OK with you?  If this breaks down, either because the teenager no longer feels part of family, or they are restricted and can never explore their own path this need may not be met.  It can leave a rebellious side that always gets repressed.  Our lived experience may tell us that it is not emotionally safe to do our own thing and be different so we seek the safety of conforming to what others want.  We may decide to rebel much later on in life, with a mid-life crisis or decide we want to stand out with coloured hair in later life, finally being in a position to get in touch with our rebellious side.

What you never had you never miss
We are more likely to be conscious of when our physical needs are not met, we become hungry, scared, cold etc. However, when our emotional needs are not met this can be out of our awareness; and become our normal.  
Within a therapeutic relationship we can explore the yearnings of our human emotional needs which were never met, bringing these into awareness.  They have never gone away, and can remain as that deep yearning, affecting the way we feel about ourselves and interact with others.  

Always looking to others to fill your void: Without being aware of it we can be always trying to fill the void of these needs by looking to other people. It’s not that we are too needy, it’s that we have unmet needs we are not conscious of, it's like we are crying out for something without being able to be clear and express what it is.  Once we have awareness, and accept that we have this need we can look for ways of learning to meet our needs effectively.  
We habitually continue to meet our physical needs, but do we  meet our emotional needs?
Most of us were taught about the need to be clothed, fed and how to keep ourselves safe.  We build on these teachings in adult life adapting them to suit our preference.  But when our emotional needs were not met, and we had to bury them, it can be so much more difficult to be aware of these needs and ensure they are met in our adult lives.  It's only when we become aware of these needs that we can learn to meet them ourselves, a term which can be known as reparenting.

Reparenting: There is specific therapy which uses this term, where the therapist models this type of work. The name itself makes so much sense - we become our own parents to meet our own needs.  Having these needs mirrored to us by a therapist, or significant appropriate adult in a trusting relationship, can make all the difference.  I have also found that many people break the cycle, and give to their own children the emotional needs they never had.  In these cases, you are a model for our own reparenting, learning to use the skills you develop with your children to meet the emotional needs in yourself that were never met
Some useful ways of meeting your unmet needs:
1) Start to reflect on what it is you need, what were your experiences and what needs did you have that were not met?
2) Recognise how you respond to these unmet needs, what is it you yearn for?
3) Accept that you have these needs.  Find compassion for yourself instead of being critical for having the need.
4) Explore what you can do to get your needs met.  
i) What can you do to meet your needs? e.g. A fluffy warm blanket can feel great as you learn to comfort yourself.  
ii) Learn to clearly express your needs to others.  Find a safe partner, friend, or relation and express your needs and how they can support you in learning to meet those needs.  
I hope you found this useful.  
I value all feedback so do leave a comment below.  
Maz


]]> Mon, 22 Jul 2024 11:09:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?too-needy-or-just-our-human-needs-- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/000000012 <![CDATA[All about our life scripts]]> imblog
Hi, welcome to my blog on life scripts.
I often find theories saying similar things but from a different angle. This is the case here in my previous blog; 'Accepting all aspects of who we are' (15th July) looking at the way we adapt in childhood and develop our way of being with ourselves and others. Even though there are similarities I wanted to include a blog on life-scripts as I have found it so useful, so please excuse any overlaps.  

Awareness can help us choose what is right for us.  
I have found it so liberating to use the awareness of my own life scripts to help me make different choices, freeing myself from the restrictive way I have always felt about myself.  I hope that by sharing my insights into life scripts it might help you gain awareness of your own scripts and consider which you want to continue to embrace, and which you want to step out of and respond differently.

So, what do we mean by life scripts
A well-known therapist Richard Erskine coined the term life-scripts in 1980 as he focused on the relational needs that we have growing up.  I explore these needs in my blog on the 20th June 24 "Too needy or just our relational needs".
Taking its core elements I see life-scripts are the unconscious ways we learn to relate to ourselves and others. These ways formed in childhood at times when we had to survive; these could include times when we had to perform, adapt, react, suppress our needs or just hide.  
It is in these times, when we feel emotionally or physically 'unsafe' that our scripts about who we are and how we relate to others are formed, developed and then reinforced so that they become part of who we are, how we see ourselves, and how others come to see us, especially within our family dynamics.  
So how do we receive our script?
It’s about what we hear directly and indirectly, but it’s also about the vibes we feel, the expectations, the messages that we receive either verbally or indirectly through body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. As children we pick up all the messages especially when we are on the alert, anxious about not being enough, too much, fearful or when our emotional needs are not being met.

The nature / nurture debate.
The debate of what we are born with and what develops through life experiences has taken place for many years.
For me it has always been a mixture of the two.  
Some examples of the way people are naturally different ... as in their core self.
Some people are naturally more extroverted while others are more introverted.  
Some people are really sensitive and feel deeply for other people and / or living things.
Some people are very logical and can only deal with facts.  
Some need to be outdoors and engage with nature and outdoors.
Some people only learn through doing, and need to be active while others like theories and reading facts.  
Some examples of the way people are which comes from their interactions with others, their nurture.
Short tempered, easily angered.
Needing to always put others first, ignoring their own needs.
Wanting to hide away, avoiding interaction with others.
Always being defensive.
Seeking approval.
Never satisfied.  Perfectionist.  
Unable to make decisions or choices for themselves.  

Co-created relationships with parents are unique even amongst siblings.  
Within a family even though you have the same parents the 'co-created' relationship between each sibling and their parents can be very different.  Consider these reasons.
The order you were born in your family, consider the following
∙The oldest can be called upon to take responsibility for the others.
∙A mother’s anxiety can be strong with the first born, and lessen with subsequent children.
∙The youngest may get less attention as there are more to look after.
∙Either or both parents’ circumstances change and with different children, changing their energy levels, time, finances, and ability to emotionally connect will also change.
∙Strict rules may get diluted over time affecting expectations and behaviour boundaries.
Your gender
Our views on gender are very much changing with equality of opportunity however many of us still live with the dynamics of gender differences we experienced in our childhood.  
The expectations can be different particularly in relation to careers, housework, interests and looks.  Also, the freedom given to boys is often a lot more than girls.   
Siblings with additional needs:
When a child has additional needs (physical or emotional) this can understandably take energy, time and focus away from their siblings, extra expectations may be made on them and their own needs missed.  
Each parent comes with their own baggage;
Parents come with their own life experiences and their own scripts.  
Parents will naturally be drawn to certain personalities and find other personalities more difficult which can affect the way they relate to each of their own children.  Children can pick up on this helping to support the forming script belief.  
Consider these reasons why a parent may treat one of their children differently from another.
One child might remind them of an unhealthy relationship in their past.
One child might remind them of a part of themselves that they try to ignore or deny.  
One child might stir guilt, possibly with a mother that could not find connection at birth.
One child might stir guilt as the parent considered abortion and changed their mind.
The natural core personality of one child is very different from the parent who finds them hard to relate to.
For many reasons the parent finds it hard to cope and one child is naturally more demanding than others

So, considering all these different aspects let’s look at an example of how siblings could develop life-scripts.  Take this scenario:
Parents: Jake and Mary met at college.  Married at 20 as Mary was pregnant.  Jake gave up his hope of university and got a job which was shift work, it was secure but not satisfying.  They divorced after 10 years and the children see their dad some weekends.   Mary works in a local shop which helps financially. Money is often tight but Jake pays childcare when he can. Mary carries resentment that she is left to care for the children.     
Core self:
Stewart: The oldest. He is sensitive to the needs of others and notices when they are struggling. He is quite introverted and tends to keep his opinions and feelings to himself. He studies well and is doing well at school.  
Katie: 1 year younger.  Naturally an extrovert, and loves going out with her friends. She learns by doing and does not enjoy studying. She does OK at school and has many friends but is looking forward to leaving and getting a job.  She tends to get annoyed and says how she feels.  
Rebecca: The youngest and 2 years younger than Katie.  She is introverted like her brother, sensitive and gets upset when she hears raised voices. Rebecca feels very much for animals and will often bring home a needy animal, including a hedgehog or stray dog.
Some life-scripts that could develop:
Note: there are many possibilities, but I have just listed 4 for each to give an idea.
Stewart:
1.    Feels responsible for his mum and sisters, and never relaxes unless they all seem to be fine.
2.    Comes over bossy and controlling, particularly to Katie who he feels is irresponsible and lazy.    
3.    He works hard with everything he does, never really feeling that he is good enough. He puts himself under pressure at school, so determined to do well and please his dad who wants him to go to university.
4.   He is not confident around people, and decides that he is not likeable, which means he finds making friends difficult.   
Script belief:  Perfectionism and fear of failure.  He needs to take responsibility for others.  Sees himself as a loner, who struggles to make friends.   

Katie:
1.   As she is always told she is irresponsible, she kind of goes with it.  Escapes the chores and goes out.  
2.   She has decided she is not academic and has stopped really trying at school.  
3.    She is the 'black sheep' as her mum is always shouting at her and her brother nags all the time.  
4.    She never feels good enough in her family, so feels like an outsider.
Script belief: Irresponsible.  Her brother is the favourite and she is the black sheep.  Not intelligent and has no career aspirations.  She sees herself as not enough.  Feels as though she is unlovable.  

Rebecca:
1.    Cannot cope with any arguing or raised voices so learns to switch off and go into her own world.  
2.    Often told she is 'off with the fairies' so believes she is not intelligent, and will never do well.  
3.    Having learnt that her feelings don't get seen, she feels she does not matter, and is not loved.   
4.    Believing that it is only animals who she can relate to, she focuses on them isolating herself from others.  
Script belief:  Unlovable, strange, don't belong and don't matter to others.  Unable to make relationships with people,  only animals.  
Even from these brief examples we can see why people develop a way of being with themselves and with others.
These script beliefs are then carried on into adult life.  
Believing our life scripts, we live according to them, which in turn will strengthen them.
We also look out for evidence to support them and often can find it as this is what we are focused on.  
So, our life scripts get stronger, and we are more restricted because of them.

Awareness can help us challenge and change our script-beliefs.  
It is also worth discussing them with others who you feel safe to talk to.    
This is also a precious part of a therapeutic journey which you can do with a therapist to help you gain awareness and identify what your script beliefs are and help you change them.  
I hope you find this information useful,
I value your comments.  Maz


]]> Thu, 18 Jul 2024 10:51:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?all-about-our-life-scripts https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/00000000F <![CDATA[Accepting all aspects of who we are ]]> imblog
Welcome to this blog all about our 'parts' and why our awareness and acceptance of each part can make a big difference to how we relate to ourselves, others and manage our day-to-day experiences.  
So, what do we mean by our 'parts'?
I have often found this a strange term as if we were seen as some sort of machine with different parts.  We are far more complex than any machine.  Yet other terms we could use seem to be too restrictive.  We could refer to characteristics or personality traits, yet for some it’s also about roles like a carer, soldier or teacher.  You have heard it said "It’s the teacher in me".  Others may want to include feelings or emotions.  A part which feels deeply for others, or is hardened to people who don’t help themselves.  

Are our parts nature or nurture?
Our parts can be a natural part of who we are; they may be hereditary and you might recognise them in other family members.  Alternatively, they may have been developed as a way of coping with relationships and situations in our past and we often refer to these as our ‘adaptive parts’.  They have come about as strategies which we consciously or unconsciously develop in order to protect ourselves, both physically and emotionally.   
More about our adaptive parts.
Some people are naturally shy while others may have become shy as a result of being bullied as a child.  Or it may be that you are naturally prudent, or it may have been that you had very little money growing up and had to learn to be prudent.  I know I can get obsessive over a latest project, I get totally totally focused on it.  I have questioned is this my natural way of being or as a result of trying to prove myself in some way?  Being curious about your parts and where they come from can be valuable in learning to own and accept them.
Learning to own all our parts.  
Some parts of who we are easy to own, we can even be proud of them.  We may like the fact that we are known as calm, or intellectual.  We may like being loyal, caring or sociable.  But it is the parts that cower in the background and get triggered on occasions that we may want to push aside, ignore, disown or which take us into a place of shame.  (For more about shame see my blogs on 'crippling shame').   These may include the part of you that can be controlling, or feels too needy or wants to hide when you make a mistake.  Taking time and learning to accept and own each part of you can be healing.  You may find working with a therapist can really help particularly when there is a part of you which relates to difficult times in your past.  

There can be two sides to each part.
Whether your part is acceptable to you or not, they often have two sides to them, a side that works in your favour and one that can work against you. Here are some examples:
A Controlling part: Having this part could mean you consciously or unconsciously try to control other people, to manipulate a situation to your own ends which is usually unhealthy and can affect your relationship with others.  But once aware of your controlling part you can use it wisely; using the skills to make things happen, put things in place and manage situations when it's needed.   
A caring part: Being someone who cares for others can come out in a job or family role and is a precious part to have.  However, if your care for others stops you meeting your own needs, you may find yourself running on empty and even resentful to others and what they have come to expect from you.  
An envious part: This is a part we could want to disown as being envious of others and wanting what they have is not seen as positive.  When we own this part and become aware when it's active we can identify it and we can use it to help us know what we want and what is worth working for.  
A pleasing others part: Many of us have a need to please others which can mean we are well liked and fit in well within the family or friends.  It can also mean that we lose sight of our own wants and needs and live with a mask not feeling able to be our true self.  
Owning and accepting all our parts means we can use them to help protect us, guide and motivate us.  

When our parts get triggered:
Our parts can get triggered on a daily basis.  Once you are aware of your parts you can be curious about what is being triggered and why.  This awareness helps us gain understanding regarding our reactions and helps us be more compassionate with ourselves and our responses.  I know that my 'independant' part that is strong will react and struggle when I have to ask for help.   

Internal Family System:
Dr Richard Schwartz proposes that we each contain an 'internal family' of distinct parts and that by treating them with curiosity, respect and empathy it can help us to heal, a bit like members of a family coming together.  This work has now become a therapy in its own right.  It contains 4 main categories:
1) Core Self: The true self, which is often pushed aside by the other parts.  
2) Exiles: Those painful parts, which are often from childhood and teenage years.  For example the terrified 6-year-old and abandoned 13-year-old.  
3) Managers: They protect the system and suppress and contain the exile parts.  Like an inner critic, a workaholic, or controller.  
4) Fire fighters: These use extreme measures to distract, dissociate and numb the system when the exiles are triggered.  These could include the drug abuser, alcoholic or obsessive compulsive part.  

The work is far more detailed than this and if you would like to find out more go to ..https://ifs-institute.com

Managing your parts:
Once you have owned your parts you can decide what you want to do with them, which ones you want to focus on and give energy to and which ones you want to be aware of, but not let them dominate in the way they have previously.  
Some parts even though they are adaptive parts from your life experience you may want to keep, what is important is learning that the choice is yours.  I kind of like my independent part, even though I know it came from my past experiences, but I need to keep it in check and at times put it in the background.  

I have found both these ways of looking at parts useful:
You are the landlord and have tenants in your house:
You are the landlord, you have all these tenants which are your parts.  Some have always been with you and some you have have picked up along the way.  Either way it is your house, and you make the rules.  Once you are fully aware of your tenants you can consider how much power, energy and room in your house you give them.  Which tenants do you push aside and not have time for and which take over and consume all your time and energy?
You are the director and can command your own play:
It can also be useful to consider yourself as the director of a play, and your parts are the actors in your play.  Some actors have dominated and taken centre stage, but other actors you can give energy to and give a greater part.  It may be that a character is not required any longer and has to stand down.  

When your parts are in conflict with each other:
We can find ourselves in a dilemma unsure of which way to turn, our conflicting thoughts fighting against each other.  When you consider your parts, this makes much more sense.  Once you get to know your parts you can appreciate which parts are getting triggered and how that is affecting your thought patterns.  As the landlord or director you can give each part a voice, listen to what each is trying to say and then decide which to give energy to.

Here is an example:
You enjoy your job as a car salesman, you are doing well and heading for promotion.  You get on well with the owner and his wife who often pops into the showroom.  However, you discover the owner is having an affair and feel bad for the wife.  She suspects and asks you about it, and you feel awful as you shrug it off, turning away and lying, leaving you feeling dreadful and conflicted.
Conflicting parts: Your loyal part, ambitious part, honest part, and empathy part are all in conflict.  Each is valid and each has an opinion.  
Empathy part: You really feel for the wife and how she is being betrayed, you know this when your own father cheated on your mother.
Loyal Part: Your boss has been good to you and you feel you owe it to him to not betray him.  
Honest part: You really hate yourself for lying.  
Ambitious part: You have worked hard for the promotion and if you handle this wrong you may not get it.

By listening to all parts concerned you can understand why you are in conflict.  Each has a voice and each is relevant.  With this awareness you can decide which part to give energy to and prioritise.  By doing this you can bring order into the overwhelming dilemma and know that you are responding the best you can in the situation.  
We all live each day with situations which will trigger our different parts.  In order to be true to ourselves we need to give each part a say, and decide what we give energy to so that we can be true to ourselves.  This means being aware of our parts, owning our parts and then learning to listen to them.  
I hope you find this blog useful, please do leave a comment below.


]]> Mon, 15 Jul 2024 11:03:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?accepting-all-aspects-of-who-we-are- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/000000011 <![CDATA[What is a self-awareness journey all about? ]]> imblog
Hi welcome to this blog about journeying into self-awareness.
Even though there is a shift in thinking about mental health for many going on a journey into self-awareness, seeking therapy or just talking to trusted others about their mental health is a sign of weakness and for 'losers’. I have found in my own life and for my clients this is far from the truth, it takes courage, strength and commitment, and it can be so rewarding.  
In this blog I want to focus on what I mean by a self-awareness journey and why it is so individual yet can benefit so many of us.  
I see it as a journey of discovery which will inevitably involve ups and downs with rough terrain and difficult hurdles but which will also include paths which just urge you forward as you want to discover more about yourself. For some they will always avoid such a journey, dismiss it instead look to numbing out, suppressing, trying to forget. For those who decide to go on this journey it can be the most important precious journey they will ever make, and usually continues through life as they go deeper into self-awareness, acceptance and connection with themselves and others.  
As a therapist I get to continue my own journey as well joining with my clients for a part of theirs.
Let’s explore what I mean by a journey of awareness, starting with a basic approach.
The Medical or Social model of seeing mental health.
Medical model: The medical model is formed around categories of diagnosis.  It works on the idea of 'what is wrong with you' and that can then help to find a way forward under a specific category.  With over 200 types of disorders that are commonly used.  Our NHS, benefit system and legal system all refer to these categories.  
Social model: Another way of viewing our mental health is to consider not what is wrong with you but What happened to you, and how does that affect you today.  This also includes considering your environment, culture, systems and institutes as the opportunities available to you.  This approach is much more individual and considers the external factors and what you had to do to respond to them.
Like many therapists in private practice, I am not restricted and choose to work to the social models, giving me the time to journey with my clients and gain greater awareness of what affects them today
Isn't going on a journey just self-indulgent, and self-pity?
I so often hear people say that this is self-indulgence, or it's about self-pity.  They feel like they are just being a victim; something they never want to do. For me this is the difference;
A victim; Does not take responsible for their choices, behaviours and actions.  They look to others to 'rescue' them and blame others instead of looking to themselves.

Yet someone who goes on a journey of awareness means that they are able to take responsibility for their choices, behaviours and actions. Here are some reasons why;
1) When you gain awareness of what happened to, you gain insight into why you responded the way you did, this allows for self-compassion instead of criticism and judgement.  
2) Being aware of why you make the choices you make gives you the opportunity to make different choices.
3) Being aware of your relationships and how they affected you allows you to reflect on and change the way you relate to people today.
3) Being aware of what triggers you allows you to explore what happened to cause these unresolved issues. By facing suppressed feelings, emotions and memories you can start to resolve what was left unresolved.  
NOTE:  Some of this work is really difficult to do alone and often needs a qualified therapist to work with you.  

This quote by Brene Brown sums this up for me.
Without any awareness we continue to react as we are triggered by past events.  We blindly keep responding in the same ways and repeating the same patterns of behaviour.  
Being aware and owning our story means we can make the decisions which are right for us.  
Remember it takes courage to go on a journey of self-awareness.  It is never a weakness.  

Below is a list of areas that can be covered on a journey of self-awareness and acceptance.
Covering early childhood as well as ongoing life experiences.  
Your journey may include many of these or just one. It may include areas not listed; each journey is unique as we are all so individual.  
*Expectations. For example: No matter how hard I tried I was never good enough. I am now a perfectionist, and feel like everyone judges me, what I do is never good enough.
*Decision making. For example: I was never allowed to make my own decisions, and I find it hard to make them now.  
*Anxiety. For example: My mum was anxious all the time, she worried over everything I did, I now find myself expecting the worst.
*Life messages: For example: The family motto was “People have it much worse so be grateful and make the most of it”.  I feel bad whenever I do anything for myself.  
*What you did to get your needs met: For example: I tried to be the child my parents wanted so that I would be good enough for them.  The problem is now I never know what I want or need and just adapt to what others want.
*Unresolved Traumatic incidents: For example: When my younger sister fell and was badly hurt, I just froze. At the time my mum blamed me saying I should have protected her.  I have lived with guilt for years.  
*What you learnt to do with your emotions. For example: I never talked about how I felt so I bottled it in.

*How difficult emotions were modelled to you. For example: I saw my dad express his anger by shouting aggressively, I am now unable to connect with my anger.   
*Abuse: For example: My older brother sexually abused me but I just pushed it away.  I still get tense whenever my boyfriend touches me, but I try to pretend I am ok.  
*Shame: For example: I get this darkness which comes over me, and a deep sense that I am just not good enough. It drains my confidence and I feel isolated and alone.  
*Body Image/relationship with food: For example: Growing up my weight was always an issue, my mum talked about it all the time.  I am now always trying to diet and hate looking in the mirror all I see is a fat person. Addiction of different kinds: For example: I need to zone out, I can lose hours at a time just playing on my phone, or scrolling through social media. I just feel like such a loser as I see everyone else enjoying themselves.
*Lack of opportunities: For example: I never did well at school, my mum was ill and my dad did not live with us. There was only me to take care of my mum and younger siblings.  I missed out on so much and now have to push down the resentment.
*Bullying: For example: At school I was shy, I never had the confidence to stand up for myself and I was often bullied with taunting comments and threats.  I am over it now, yet some men just trigger me, I feel threatened by them even when I know I don't need to be.
*Belonging: For example: At school I never felt like I fitted in, I just didn’t like the same things as others around me. I still feel like I have to adapt so that I can fit in but still I always feel like an outsider.
*Anger: For example: I get so angry for no reason.  It’s like it is bubbling up inside me and just spurts out.  I don't know how to deal with it.  
*Sexuality: For example: I knew from being a boy I liked men, but could never tell anyone.  My parents would not accept it and my friends were the type who would tease me. I just couldn’t cope with this, so I kept it to myself, but it was so lonely.  
*Culture: For example: My family came from a different area, I wanted so much to join in to belong, yet the rules were so different, my family expectations were so different from what everyone else was doing.  I felt so torn, it was like I had to be two different people when I was at school to when I was at home.  I still don't know who I really am.
*Power Imbalance: For example: A teacher at school used to humiliate me, make comments that made me feel like an idiot. The class would laugh.  I felt like I couldn’t do anything as she was the teacher. I still feel the shame of it now.
*Discrimination: For example: I looked different from the other kids at school and stood out. It was never out and out racism, but it was the looks, the small comments that got me.  Now I feel like people only see the colour of my skin, never me.
*Grief: For example: My dad died when I was 30, it was a shock to all my family.  I needed to be there for my mum. I was the strong one, so I never had a chance to grieve for him.
*Disability: For example: Due to a heart condition as a baby I have never been able to do physical exercise like other people.  I always felt like the ‘invalid’ who people felt sorry for.

I hope you find this information useful.  
If you would like to gain support in starting your journey, see our page 'finding support' for more information on groups and therapists.  
Maz








]]> Mon, 08 Jul 2024 09:21:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?what-is-a-self-awareness-journey-all-about-- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/00000000E <![CDATA[Can we control our thoughts? ]]> imblog
Hi, welcome to my blog which explores how much we can control our thoughts.  
This I believe is such an important area for all of us, even if we are not suffering from anxiety but are living constantly with regrets and fears.  The more our thoughts control us, the louder and more intrusive they are the more we feel we have no control, and it can seem like our thoughts control us.   
I wanted to use this blog to share what I have learnt, and am still learning both in my own personal journey and with working with my clients.  
You will find that all the following sections over-lap but I have divided them up as different ways to consider the ways we can gain back control of our thoughts. First of all, let’s look at our relationship with our thoughts.

Do you always believe your thoughts?
Thinking about your thinking can be useful.  Yes, that does sound like more thinking, not less I know.  
But when we stop and think about our thoughts, we are able to start to consider our relationship to them.  
Thoughts are what I call contaminated, they are affected by others around us, by what we watch, listen to or what we see.  Our thoughts are affected by images and they are also affected by our past experiences when we were in different circumstances.

When we stop and consider our thoughts, we can learn to question them such as;
Are my thoughts relevant to me at this time or outdated?
Are my thoughts true; do I believe them from my perspective on things?
Are my thoughts worth spending time and energy on?
When we start to question our thoughts, we often take a different stance to them

Orientation
We consciously or unconsciously orient towards certain things; these are often the things which will then feed our thoughts.  
I remember coming out of a meeting with a colleague and we discussed the meeting and the people in it.  We could have been in different meetings as we picked up very different things depending on what it was we focused on.  It can be the same when you walk through a park, some things you will see while other things you don't.  
When you become more aware of your thoughts you can also become aware of what is feeding them.
You may have orientation habits which feed your insecurities.  
We may have orientation habits which feed our fears for the future.
When you become aware of your orientation habits and what you focus on you can start to choose what to focus on. This takes practice, but if you can do it you are starting to control what is feeding your thoughts.    
For example, you feel anxious about getting older, and as a result you seek out articles about old age, this will feed your anxiety and give your thoughts lots to chew over and possibly spiral.
If you instead focus on different articles, say about travel you can replace your anxious thoughts and take them to new horizons.
Hyper vigilant
This is a state of increased alertness where you are constantly on the lookout for certain information.  Again, you may be conscious about it, or it may be habitual and you are not aware you are doing it, until that is you become aware and realise this is what you are doing.  
Here are two examples;
1) Your mother said you were putting on weight when you last saw her, when you go out you are constantly on the lookout for signs of this.  Looking at your clothes; ‘are they fitting right’ and peoples looks ... ‘do they think I look fat in this’ etc?  
2) Five years ago, you were approached in a busy pub by a drunk man who made unwanted advances towards you. A friend rescued you but it left you shaken.  Now when you go into a pub, especially if it is busy, you are 'hyper-vigilant' always looking out for someone who may approach you.  

If your hyper vigilance is negatively affecting your life, you may have unresolved trauma, and have not dealt with situations from the past.  Talking to a qualified therapist who deals with trauma can help you work through these traumatic incidents; it cannot change the past but it can change how you relate to it, and how it is stored in your memory.  

Comparisons
We seem to live in a culture which is weighed down with comparisons. Children at school are compared against each other or some statistics and then graded.  We get compared to others through comments from those around us.  We compare ourselves to other people's lives especially through social media.  

We often compare ourselves to those who have what we want.  Or compare ourselves to those who look the way we would like to look, have the lives which we dream of.  Again, this is why social media can be so bad, as it gives snap shots of people’s lives and often gives the wrong impression of what is really going on.  Yet it draws us in and is compelling us to look at it, feeding our insecurities and adding to our racing thoughts.  The social media sites themselves are designed to feed into what our orientation habits are, so in essence they can be targeting our insecurities.  
We can learn to let go of comparing ourselves to others, we can start to accept ourselves, decide what our own goals and aspirations are.  We can then let go of the negative thoughts which are based on comparing ourselves with others.

We get anxious and the amygdala in our brain takes over.
In my blog "Taking control of your anxiety" from the 28th May 24, I gave more detail on how our anxiety gets activated and how we feed it, you may want to read this for more information.  
Relevant to this blog, it’s good to remember the following;
*The amygdala will work on connections which are between something, a person, or an event and what you fear.
*These connections are made from what you pick up from what you hear, smell, see, feel or touch, or from your thoughts.
*These connections are based on previous experiences and they don't give any detail.
*If the amygdala senses any danger (physical or emotional) it will set off warning bells in the body, sensations we detect as our anxiety.  
*These sensations we may have learnt not to notice, but it can send off a trail of anxious thoughts, which in turn feed the amygdala and can cause our anxiety spiral.
*When the amygdala activates our anxious state, it will do so not connected with our frontal cortex, so it therefore by-passes the reasoning part of our brain, we feel we have no control.  
When we learn we can challenge our amygdala we can break into the escalation of spiralling thoughts.  
First we need to regulate ourselves by calming ourselves down which will bring back our frontal cortex ‘on line’… we can reason again.
Then with reasoning we can stop the thoughts from feeding our amygdala.  
*We can recognise that our anxiety is based on experiences from the past when we were unsafe, and now we may know we are safe.  
*We can recognise that our anxiety is triggering events from the past which are not applicable to our current situation and it is not relevant in our current situation; we are safe.  
For more information on calming yourself down see my series of blogs on 'Reclaiming Calm'.  
If you find it difficult to take control of your anxiety in this way it may be worth finding a trained professional who can work with you in this way.  

Feeding our thinking.
It’s worth being curious about what you do which might be feeding your thoughts. Consider the following:
*Does your choice of TV programmes give energy to your thoughts? E.g. with images of death, violence, aggression, murder etc?  
*Are you sensitive to images of death and destruction?  You may want to limit the news you watch to the main facts?
*Do you often feel you are not enough, yet spend time scrolling through social media comparing your lives with others?  
*Do you regret your past, yet spend your time focusing on the past, instead of looking forward?
Once we are aware of how we are feeding our thoughts we can decide what we want to focus on and what we put our energy into.

We can, with practice, make the decision to move from our thinking into the present moment.
It can be habitual to live in our heads, but the more we can practice changing our focus from our thoughts and then go into our body the more we can be released to live in the moment.  
Some people choose mindfulness, meditation, or yoga, and for others it can be a whole range of ways they connect with themselves, their feelings, body sensations and their 5 senses (touch, sound, smell, sight and hearing).   
The more we learn to re-orientate our focus away from our thinking the more we can connect with ourselves, even if just for a couple of minutes at a time.  When the thoughts come, we can then decide to challenge them, and let them go, freeing us up to live in the moment.
It takes awareness and practice to take control of your thinking, but when you do it can release so much energy, and time and allow you to live life instead of just enduring it.  

I hope you find this blog useful, your comments are welcome.   
Maz








]]> Fri, 28 Jun 2024 09:02:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?can-we-control-our-thoughts-- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/00000000A <![CDATA[Zoning out as an escape]]> imblog
Hi, welcome to my blog on zoning out.  We all need to just zone out as a time out of our busy lives, but what if we are using zoning out as a way of escaping.  

First, what do I mean by 'zoning out'.
The dictionary definition is 'to stop paying attention and not hear or see what is around you for a short period of time.'
I'm using the words zoning out slightly differently, as it's the way it's often referred to in general language.  'It's that way of not being present, escaping somewhere to get away from yourself and others'  
Having balance in our lives.
I like to think of my day as made into 3 different ways of existing.  
1) Where I am engaged in those many different activities, which include work, relationships, routine jobs etc.
2) Time to zone out and switch off from everybody.
The third I have found is easily missed but one which I have increasingly realised is so important; it helps me not just to exist but to thrive.
3) Time to be in the moment and to find connection with myself and nature.  

Our awareness of zoning out.
Zoning can start from a need to just escape from life, but then gets so habitual that we do it unconsciously.
The habit-forming way becomes part of our lives, and can eat into increasing amounts of time and energy.  

Zoning out as a way of escaping can soon become addictive.
Many of us have addictive tendencies, unconsciously trying to fill a void or escape our thoughts or feelings.   
What we initially use as a way of escaping or having time out can soon become addictive, and we find it hard to let it go.  
Gabar Mate is a leading expert on addiction and has worked with addiction as a doctor, therapist, researcher, speaker and writer.  
He has three criteria of what addiction is; it's worth considering these in relation to your way of zoning out.  
1) You crave the addictive substance or behaviour,
2) You engage in the addictive substance or behaviour in order to experience pleasure or temporary relief from some kind of pain.
3) You are unable to give up using the substance or behaviour.    

Consider these ways of relaxing which can become addictive and could fit Gabar Mate’s definition of addiction:
Looking at your phone, scrolling through social media.  
Shopping including on-line shopping.
Playing computer or phone games.
Being a workaholic; a seemingly acceptable way of escaping yourself and your life.
Watching endless television
Eating - mindlessly eating as self-comforting.  
Gambling, Bingo online or in a venue.  
Any hobbies which take over and become more important than a relationship with yourself or those around you.  

So what are we trying to escape from?
Our thoughts  
Our feelings
Our anxiety  
Our fears
Our memories
Our guilt
Our shame
OUR PAIN
When any of these become overwhelming or difficult we may want to avoid them.  
We try pushing them down or ignoring them but they keep coming back.  

Many of us have addictive tendencies.
If our emotional needs were not met growing up the pain and emptiness can remain.  
We can try and fill this gap with our chosen way of zoning out, an attempt to numb the pain.
The way we choose to control our thoughts and feelings can so easily end up controlling us.
The hardest part is seeing that what we use as a way of 'zoning' out from our daily life has become addictive.
What does your chosen way of escaping give you   
Consider your chosen way of zoning out, is it addictive?
What do you get from doing this chosen method?
Consider this quote from Gabor Mata

If you find yourself hooked on something which you use to escape it's worth reaching out to support groups or therapists who can help you through this journey and identify a way forward.  
Go to our 'finding support page' for information which might help.
Once you are aware of how much you zone out you can consciously decide to find ways to connect with yourself.
Even spending 5  or 10 minutes a day can make a big difference.
*Try to enjoy living in the moment and become aware of your senses; what you can smell, touch, hear, taste and see.  
*Take in this sensory information and allow it to connect with you.
*Challenge your negative thoughts and let them go, you don't have to believe them
*Connect with nature in whatever way you can.
*Find creative outlets which suit you.  It’s about the process, not the end product.
*Take time to stop and consider how you are feeling.   
*Use dance, movement to express how you’re feeling.
*Take time to play, if you would like some ideas go to my blog "Getting in touch with your playful side" from the 1st May.
*Use your imagination to take you places which are soothing, and bring you back to special memories.
*Give yourself time to pamper or look after yourself.  Relaxing bath, candles. relaxing music.  
*Explore mindfulness, meditation and yoga; take time to find what suits you.    

I hope you find this information useful.  I welcome your comments.  Maz
]]> Mon, 24 Jun 2024 10:55:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?zoning-out-as-an-escape https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/000000010 <![CDATA[In control or spiralling and plummeting? ]]> imblog
Hi, welcome to my second blog in the series Reclaiming Calm   In this blog I share my insights into what happens when we go from calm and in control to either up - as in hyper or down which we term hypo.

The work mainly comes from the Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges and neuro science applications.  
I also find useful the work of Pat Ogden, who works with how our life experiences affects our body responses. The lists below come from her work with Janina Fisher in their book Sensorimotor psychotherapy (2014)

As with all my blogs I take relevant theories and break them down into everyday language, relating them to everyday experiences.  This will inevitably mean an over simplification, but I hope gives insights and understanding which is informative and useful.  
This blog, like others, may bring up difficult memories or highlight difficult situations you are currently living in.
We all need others and I encourage you to reach out for help, see our 'Support Page' or contact us through admin@u-ok.info or through Facebook messenger.

So, first being calm and connected could mean that you are;
* Composed, relaxed and at peace.
* Competent to make decisions
* Alert, open minded and able to think clearly
* Feeling safe and secure
* Able to handle challenges
* Curious, engaged and interested.
* Centred and able to respond instead of react.
* Trusting in yourself and your abilities.
* Able to focus and concentrate.
This we call being regulated

So, what happens when we go up or down and are dysregulated?
It's all about our autonomic nervous system (ANS) and 2 active sections which are continually working together in harmony to keep us regulated.  

1 - The Parasympathetic System - working to keep us calm.  
2 - The Sympathetic -adrenal system - which when activated sends our heart rate up, adrenaline is secreted and our ANS system focuses on safety. All of this happens unconsciously and instinctively.

When we feel threatened, we instinctively respond to keep ourselves safe.  
Threat is about our physical and emotional safety, but also about a threat to our basic survival needs of love, security and wellbeing.

So, we go into habitual survival responses which are common in all animals.  

Sometimes we are not able to respond in the way we would like to.  This could be because of many reasons which include:
* The threat is from a person who is more powerful - due to a position like a boss, parent or teacher.
* The threat is from someone stronger in size, or you are outnumbered.  
* You may be threatened with something which prevents you from protecting yourself.  
* You may be trapped in some way, possibly hurt, unable to move, like in an accident.
In which case your other survival methods will automatically take over, these are.

When the threat is over it will depend on the support we receive as to how we get back to a regulated state.  
If you do not get the support you need, your body can remember, and when something or someone triggers you, it can take you back to that survival response.  

To see how this can be re-enacted in everyday life consider the following examples:
RUN:  When you feel overwhelmed at work - you just want to escape and run.  
FIGHT: You react aggressively to a comment, without really knowing why.
SHOUT: You feel like you are being blamed unfairly and you just want to scream.  
FREEZE: You suddenly freeze, go hyper alert when someone suddenly rushes past you.    
SHUT DOWN:  Life gets too much, you just want to curl under the blanket and not face it.  

So, a state of hyper arousal could mean that you experience any or all of the following:
* Getting easily overwhelmed or distressed
* A racing mind, obsessive or repetitive thoughts.
* An urge to run, leave.
* Wanting to attack, verbally or physically.
* Restlessness, easily startled, jumpy fidgety.
* Easily distracted, difficulty concentrating.  
* Always alert for danger, hyper vigilant.  
* Angry, afraid, enraged, anxious, nervous, irritated.   


Or it could mean that you go 'down' known as the 'Dorsal Vagal State' of shut down, which could be any of the following:
* Motionless, weak, powerless, unable to move.  
* Collapsed, feeling passive.
* Bored, spaced out, apathetic, lethargic, disconnected.
* Depressed, despairing, unmotivated, hopeless
* Heavy, low energy, wanting to sleep all the time.  
* Sluggish, an inability to think clearly,
* Emotionally flat, dull, numb empty.  

Why is this information important?
Even when our responses are habitual, instinctive, unconscious and out of our control we can still feel ashamed, a failure, and live with guilt which can add to a spiral either 'up' or 'down'.  
Or we decide there is something wrong with us, born deficient in some way which feeds our sense of despair.    

Instead with this information consider that the way you respond to life could be as a result of what has happened to you and how you instinctively responded to it - what you did to survive and how this is playing out now.
Or what is happening to you now and what you are instinctively doing to survive it.    

So, what can we do?
This is different for everyone, and will vary in degrees.  
Working out with a therapist what is happening and what happened in the past can be really helpful.  
It can be hard to do this alone.  The following may also help;
1) With this insight into the ANS and how it works, try to move from blaming yourself and being self-critical to being curious.  
2) Start to notice when you are 'regulated' and when you go 'up' and when you go 'down' by using the lists above.  
3) See if you can recognise in your body the sensations when you are triggered.
4) Be curious and consider what is triggering you, sending you into an 'up' or 'down'.  
5) Can you relate this reaction to a previous time when you had to survive a situation.  
 
With the knowledge that the body is reacting from a previous time, you can learn to self-sooth.  This takes practice and persistence.  But the following helps:
* Practice breathing and calming techniques connecting you to your body away from racing thoughts. The more you practise these while regulated, the more you can use the skills when you become dysregulated.     
* When you first notice going 'up' or 'down' try and put these techniques into practice.  Counting to ten with
slow breaths and talking to yourself calmly.    
* If you are not under threat now, remind yourself that the threat was in the past and you're safe now.  
* If you are currently living with threat in your life then I encourage you to reach out for help and support.

How useful was this information?  I welcome your feedback.  
First name only is fine, you may want to say where you are from.    















]]> Mon, 10 Jun 2024 13:06:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?in-control-or-spiralling-and-plummeting--- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/00000001E <![CDATA[The invasion of repetitive thoughts. ]]> imblog
Hi, welcome to my blog. I consider this series Reclaiming Calm to be crucial in any journey to good mental health, it is certainly key in my journey so I wanted to share it with you.  I will include theories and tools which help me escape from constantly doubting myself.  These tools help me to slow down, connect with myself and my feelings and experience life instead of just trying to survive it.  I hope you too find these insights useful.     

Many of us have thoughts which seem to invade our lives.  These usually come in three categories:
1) Regretting what has happened. Where you keep going over and over what has happened, regretting how you responded, thinking you should have done better.   
2) Overthinking the present. Where you lose your spontaneity as you think about all the different things that could go wrong, or you doubt yourself, or second-guess others.  Going round in circles making everyday situations into big dilemmas.  
3) Anxiety over what is to come. Where you worry about future events, catastrophising with loads of ways something could go wrong.  The fear of your future that causing you to constantly worry about what could happen and can take over.  
There is no such thing as an "off" button; I wish there was, but by getting our heads around some key concepts it can make a big difference and help us live in the moment instead of just trying to survive each day.  Let's start in the brain.  

Our brains are so sophisticated, and the different theories can be overwhelming, but I want to focus on the key ideas which I find most helpful.   


Above is a picture of MacLean's 'Triune Brain' from the 1960s.  It is now thought to be too simplistic, but I still find it useful.  It splits the brain into three areas, roughly conscious blue area (including our overthinking).  The red central area is our feelings which we can either be aware of; or as is often the case we have learnt to ignore or suppress.  The third area is the lower brown part which connects us to our body and unconscious, instincts etc.  I've given more details below.  If you only focus on the top part that is all you get and the thoughts can become overwhelming.   By learning to become aware of the information coming from the bottom part, the brown area you have more balance.  You can use this information to help process the thoughts, calm you down and by the two parts working together you become what we call regulated.  More about this in a later blog.    

When considering our conscious and unconscious I like using the image of an iceberg. Above the water is what is seen and what we are conscious of and what is below is unseen and often out of our awareness.  Consider the following:   

What we are often conscious of: Thoughts, reasoning, logic, meaning making, self-reflection, decision making, body language, gestures.  
What is often unconscious: Our habitual behaviours, our body sensations and tensions, posture, movement, our breathing, survival responses of when you just want to run, or react and fight back, or just freeze.  
ALSO, how conscious are you of?   
Your feelings, beliefs, values, biases, prejudices, fears.  

We can redirect and focus on these unconscious habitual areas, but it takes time and attention as we are just not used to it.  

Consider learning a new skill. It goes form your conscious to your unconscious and becomes habitual or procedural like riding a bike, driving a car or many other learnt skills.  But when called for you can bring them back into focus.   

For example, driving.  When you learnt to drive you were conscious of each action, using a gear stick, mirror etc. Once you learn to be competent it becomes unconscious and habitual.  You don't think about each action when you drive. Yet in difficult conditions you have to bring the skills back into your consciousness, focusing on different aspects of your driving.  


We can make the decision to tune into more of what is going on in our bodies, relieving the head noise and finding balance.  This section of my blog will bring in lots of ideas to do this and explore what it means to be regulated and how to gain greater regulation in your life.

To get your started, consider how connected you are with your 5 senses?
SEEING - We may see all the time, but stopping and taking in what we see can be very different.  
SMELL - Take time to increase your awareness of smell, might be food, or household items or while out and about.  
TASTE - When eating it is worth slowing down and allowing your taste buds to work.
TOUCH - We have so many different fabrics, textures; it is worth stopping to take them in.  
SOUND - The range of music can be great, but it is worth pausing to listen to all the other sounds around us.  

How useful was this information?  I welcome your feedback.  
  
 
]]> Mon, 03 Jun 2024 08:59:00 GMT https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/?the-invasion-of-repetitive-thoughts--- https://www.therapywithmaz.co.uk/blog/rss/000000009