Why we respond to others the way we do
Published by Maz in Interactions with ourself and others · 11 November 2024
Hi, in this first blog on 'Our interactions with others' I look at different responses children take when they are struggling particularly within their family. I also explore how these ‘ways of coping’ become a learnt pattern of relating to others in adult life.
These responses are often strategies to survive unmet needs, this can be considered as developmental trauma.
I first explain what I mean by developmental trauma and how it can relate to this blog. There is now much greater understanding of the impact of developmental trauma particularly in relation to emotional trauma.
Let's first look at what we mean by trauma.
When we feel a threat to our safety (both physical or emotional), and we are overwhelmed we can feel that we do not have any control over the situation, this will affect our nervous system and we respond in a range of survival responses'. For more on this see my blogs on Reclaiming Calm, in particular 'Finding calm in emotional turmoil' 5th August 24.
Being threatened and feeling out of control can be traumatic even when the threat no longer exists and the overwhelm of the incident can stay with you until you get the support you need.
What we mean by developmental trauma.
This is seen differently to a traumatic incident which is a one off, as in an accident or an attack by a stranger which happens at a specific time or place. Developmental trauma is ongoing trauma which happens throughout childhood.
Developmental Trauma can be emotional trauma, as well as trauma caused by acts of sexual, physical abuse and neglect.
Let’s explore what we mean by emotional trauma in childhood as this can be often overlooked.
Many of us find it hard to consider emotional trauma, wanting to push it away with comments like "others had it worse", I was ok no one abused me. But emotional trauma during childhood can be very real, it affects many of us and can stay with us into adulthood.
Consider the following:
*In Childhood we all have a need to feel safe, to be fed, to be clothed, and to have an education. We also have the need to be heard, to be able to express our wants and needs, to feel as if we are good enough to those around us and to feel we belong in the family we were born into. We also need to feel secure in our relationships so that we know we can feel emotionally safe. When these needs are not met it can be a threat to our emotional safety.
*As children we are not in control, we often don't have anywhere else to go.
*If our parents are not OK, we do not feel OK.
*Developmental trauma can occur throughout our childhood and we have no control over it.
Often people feel disloyal to their parents when they consider developmental trauma, particularly emotional trauma.
We might feel others had it much worse, and it's all part of childhood, or say it's how it was back then.
I believe that people do the best they can at the time so it's not about blame or judgement.
At the same time, to different degrees your needs may not have been met and this affected you.
Consider some of these examples and imagine being the child and consider how you could feel emotionally threatened, with no control over the situation and nowhere to turn.
1) You’re a child who is never quite sure what mood their parent is going to be in, you can never fully relax, always on your guard.
2) A parent who gets drunk, and takes it out on the other. As a child you hear the arguing, fighting, physical attacks or crying from your mother or father.
3) As a child you desperately want to be loved and accepted for who you are; but you are always told or feel that you are not good enough.
4) Your parents are always busy, have no time for you, so you are left without anyone to talk to which makes you feel isolated and alone
5) One of your parents is depressed, has no energy and is not responsive, so you have to do what you can to help with everyday chores.
We all respond differently, even in the same family siblings can have different responses.
One response is not better, or stronger than another.
The responses like all trauma responses are not planned, they are unconscious habitual responses.
Each response is determined by who we are naturally, and how we feel we can best cope with our environment.
Below I have outlined some of the responses we have as children.
I have also put how this can manifest in adult life as an unconscious habitual way of being in relation to others.
NOTE:
i) These are not fixed, just some examples under categories which are often seen. It may be that you relate to more than one.
ii) School may have been a safe space where the strategy was not needed, or it may have been a source of trauma which you may not have been able to discuss at home.
PLEASE / APPEASE
The child's need to be accepted, to be good enough means they try and be what they think their parents want them to be. They do not focus on what they want and need but try to do what they believe will make their parents like and accept them.
ADULT LIFE: This way of being is what is often known as a 'people pleaser'. So used to not considering their own wants and needs they continue to be what they believe others want them to be. They feel safe and as they seek a connection with another; or as is usually the case they seek a connection that they wanted from that original parent connection.
RESOURCER
In order to feel safe a child may feel they need to make sure their parent, (usually mother) is OK. If mum is ok I will be ok! This meant focusing on doing things which help their parent, often missing out on play and socialising with other children. The oldest sibling often needed to take a parental role to their younger siblings.
ADULT LIFE: Their focus remains on the needs of others, and they remain unable to meet their own needs unless others are OK. They become the rescuer of others. They can feel uncomfortable if others are struggling and see that it is their job to make sure they are ok, often helping others and running on empty themselves. Giving so much can bring on feelings of resentment. The child who just wanted to be seen and appreciated is still there as an adult.
FIGHT
A child’s natural instinct to fight back may have come out especially as they got older into their teens. For some this is also what is mirrored by their parents and all they are used to. They survive by standing up for themselves, getting into rows causing conflict with their parents. This often meant they were labelled a trouble maker, rebellious or the black sheep.
ADULT LIFE: The labels they carried as a child may have stayed with them, and they can get triggered. They find themselves getting angry and reacting instead of responding. If you relate to this you may like to see both my blogs on anger from the Managing your Ups and Downs series
FLIGHT
A natural response to threat is to run, and as a child this can come in different forms when home life becomes too much. For some children this is running away from home but for most it is about getting out, escaping family life. They play out a lot on the streets or just disappear to their own private space. Only returning to be part of the family when they had to and then go again as soon as they can. This meant they never felt like they belonged in the family, always feeling like an outsider.
ADULT LIFE: As adults they can find it hard to feel like they belong in a group, always feeling like and outsider. When social situations feel overwhelming they have this urge to just run from the room, or opt out from taking part as it feels too emotionally unsafe.
FREEZE
When a child is finding life hard, they can just freeze out as a way of coping. This means that they just watch what is going on, being hyper vigilant for any sense of threat. Unable to focus on anything else. The phrase is a 'deer in headlights' they just freeze up. When this happens the trauma can sit in the body and not get properly catalogued into long term memory.
ADULT LIFE: They can find themselves just freezing up in situations with other people when they don’t feel comfortable or emotionally safe. It's as if they are expecting something bad to happen in relation to those they are with.
FLOP - SUBMIT
For some children life becomes hopeless and they give up on it. They just survive each day and submit to what is happening around them. They go into themselves, hide away, stay in bed if they can. They give up on what they want, find it hard to engage with others and don’t have any aspirations about the future as it seems so hopeless and nothing will change.
ADULT LIFE: When life gets overwhelming they are likely to turn to their habitual learnt way of surviving, and their energy levels will plummet as they just want to hide. The now habitual sense that they have no control over their life gives a sense of hopelessness, so they give up and go into themselves.
CRY FOR HELP / ATTACH
To be held, comforted by a caring parent is a natural need. When a child yearns for that, they may well cry out desperate for attention which their mother does not have the capacity to give. It may be that a parent responds well to this at times and not at others so it is unpredictable. A child crying out can be labelled as clingy and too needy. Growing up the child learns that finding love and connection is unreliable.
ADULT LIFE: Unable to feel confident on where they stand with others, an adult can feel insecure with people, particularly in relationships; easily feeling let down and wondering what they have done wrong. As they find it difficult to feel safe in a relationship they keep pushing for reassurance and testing the other out, the strain on this can bring about what they most fear, and that is to be abandoned.
CLOSE DOWN / KEEP EMOTIONAL DISTANCE
In order to cope a child can just learn (unconsciously) to switch off from their emotions and soon become desensitised to them. Not feeling anything means that you don't get hurt. If you don't let anyone in you are not vulnerable and it feels safer. It’s a great protection which can become habitual and seem a natural part of who you are.
ADULT LIFE: It can seem like you naturally don’t feel much, and have learnt to be self-reliant. Even if at times this is lonely, it is much safer not to let anyone into your private world. The problem is that by not feeling the difficult feelings, it means you also never get to really feel anything. By keeping people at arm’s length means you never feel the connection of others, something we all naturally need in our lives.
WHAT CAN WE DO:
1) BE CURIOUS: Being curious about how you respond to others. Consider what you needed to do to get your needs met when you were growing up.
2) COMPASSION: Find compassion for yourself and those around you. Your response was a natural habitual response and part of your way of surviving.
3) ACCEPTANCE: No one way of responding is better than another. Your response was your unconscious way of surviving. It is what worked for you at the time. Each response has both helpful and unhelpful aspects to it. With this awareness you can accept and appreciate the benefits of your way of surviving, and protect yourself from the unhelpful aspects which stop you making connections with others. *
4) AWARENESS: With awareness you can make different choices. This can be difficult at first as it seems as if you are going against your natural self. It is doing something different from your lived way of being. Reminding yourself you’re safe, and circumstances are different can help you make the choices which are right for you.
NOTE:
*To find awareness and work through the issues relating to your way of relating to others can be really hard and working with a therapist can help you in this process.
*Many adults continue to live in environments which are emotionally or physically unsafe. If this is the case, I urge you to seek professional help.
I hope you find this information useful. I welcome feedback in the comments below to help make these blogs useful and informative.
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