What is shame?

Published by Maz in Crippling Shame · 9 September 2024

Hi welcome to my blog. This section is all about shame. The shame which can cripple you with that overwhelming sense there is something fundamentally wrong with you. You just want to go in a corner and hide. Shame has been an un-welcome intruder in my life for many years, now with insights and tools it's become a lingering bystander with very little energy.

I can only hope to give you insights into shame on these pages. It is really hard to understand your shame on your own. Reaching out can be hard, but working with a trained therapist to help manage your shame can make all the difference. Please see our signposting page to give ideas of where you might be able to get the support you need.

This first of a series of blogs is an overview of shame, in later blogs I will explore different aspects of shame. At each blog I will introduce tools which may help.

How does your unwanted shame affect you? It usually comes with a message, and I find it useful to imagine it so I can picture it and recognise it for what it is.

For me it's like a sudden heavy black rough blanket has come over me. I seem to freeze, I can't think straight, my heart beats faster and my stomach feels like a dead weight. The message I get is "well simply I'm not enough". I am not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough and so on. Then slowly it goes down, the energy subsides and I regain connection with myself and others. The feeling of I'm not OK remains but it is in the background.

Shame is complicated and there are many books written about it. I want to share the insights and tools that have most helped me take the energy out of my shame and also what I have used when working with my clients.

FIRST - Can shame be healthy? Yes, healthy shame helps us have a healthy society. What is deemed as acceptable can change over time and be different in cultures. It helps us to consider others. It helps us to keep to laws, rules and live the way we want to.

There is also an unhealthy shame, which can overpower us causing a disconnect from ourselves and others. That is what these blogs are about, the crippling shame which is not about a healthy society and can be found at the root of unhealthy relationships, addictions, lifestyles and attitudes; but more about that in later blogs.

First let's get an overview of shame.

Often shame and guilt are confused.

It can be hard to tell them apart but I think it is essential to do so if you want to take the energy out of your toxic shame. I find this so useful.

Guilt: It's about something you have done.

You can apologise, learn from it, possibly put it right, move on.

Toxic Shame: It's about what is wrong with you.

I am not enough; I feel like there is something wrong with me.

Some ways that people feel shame

* The way they look - too fat, too thin, too tall, too small, too not-pretty, etc.

  * Just not good enough at what they do, or about what they can't do.
  * Lack of confidence when meeting new people or in public.
  * Due to a disability, or anything different about them.
  * Not masculine enough, or feminine enough
Basically, we can be prone to shame for many different reasons.

Some people have far more unhealthy shame.

Their life experiences meant that they were shamed and it got embedded. These are some ways shame can start. But note this is a simplistic, the reality has lots of different scenarios but it gives an idea.
* Through parents who discipline in a shameful way. Consider these two different attitudes to discipline.

The parents explain what the child has done wrong but they are still loved and accepted for who they are.

OR The parents say the child is bad, there is no repair, the child is left with a sense that they are not OK.
* Negative comments from parents, teachers, others close to us who keep pointing out what they see is wrong with us. Like comments about our weight, looks etc.

  * From being bullied, by other children at school, by parents, teachers and other significant adults.
  * By being sexually, physically or emotionally abused and neglected.
  * By being humiliated in front of others, often at school.

Then the shame gets in, you believe it, it becomes part of who you are.

Then it gets constantly triggered by lots of things, including,

* When someone says or does something which relates to our shame
* We are bombarded with images and voices about what we should look like, be like, what is successful, what you should be doing, feeling and achieving. We feed off these, and they feed our shame that there is something wrong with us.

* When our environment does not meet our needs, our shame tells us it's our fault, we are not OK.

* When we get something wrong and it triggers our shame.
* When we don't agree with others we think we are wrong.

So what can we do about shame?

I encourage you to be curious about the following:

1) Is this feeling I have guilt or shame?

2) If it is shame, is it healthy shame or unhealthy shame?

3) If I have unhealthy shame, where do I feel it in my body, can I identify it?

4) Where did it come from and can I identify the cause?

Shame becomes larger in us with more energy when:

  * We keep it a secret and don't talk about it.
  * We feed it and focus on it going into a downward spiral.
  * We let it tell us everyone else is OK while we are not OK.
  * We focus on the things that trigger our shame.

I see taking the energy out of shame as a skill, you need the right tools, time to develop the skill and help and support as you do.

Please see my blogs on connecting body and mind as this helps with shame.

Finding the right help is not easy but we have listed some possibilities on our support page.

During this series of blogs, I will share different theories of shame from experts and include ways I have found for me and my clients to manage their shame, including some creative approaches using imagery.

How useful was this information? I welcome your feedback.

Please share your thoughts both here and on our social media posts, helping others to know they are not alone.

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