Ways we deal with our shame
Published by Maz in Crippling Shame · 16 September 2024
Hi, welcome to my second blog on shame. In the first bog I looked at what shame is and where it comes from. In this blog I'm looking at the different ways we deal with our shame.
For some people, shame can send them into despair, seeing no way out. If this is the case, I urge you to seek professional help. See our support page for groups, services and routes to therapists.
We can experience our shame through:
IMAGES - e.g. we only see a distorted image of ourselves dictated by our shame.
THOUGHTS - e.g. our critical self-talk can spiral us into a black hole.
BODY SENSATIONS - e.g. as we feel our shame weighing us down, our heart races, we go into panic, sweat, palms go clammy, we shut down or freeze out.
EMOTIONS - e.g. we experience emotions of fear, self-hatred, despair or embarrassment.
Like most areas of our mental health, we may be aware that we are struggling but we don't know why and we are not always aware of how we are responding to cope.
Often our responses are unconscious, which could be because;
* We learnt how to cope in the past and now these learnt ways have become second nature.
* Our way of coping was mirrored to us by parents, peers or those we admire and it became our lived experience and our habitual way of doing things.
* We used a way of numbing out or deflecting in order to cope so we could desensitise to the shame. Over time we have become addicted, what was a useful diversion or numbing is now controlling us and we find ourselves addicted to it. This may relate to drink and drugs but also other areas taken to access like work, shopping or even social media.
We all handle our shame differently, but I find there are 5 different categories which seem to sum up the different ways we deal with our shame. We may well use them all at different times, say when alone, with family, friends or at work. These are:
1) To suppress the sense of shame in the hope it goes away
2) To feed the shame.
3) To deny it, taking it out on others instead.
4) To take it out on yourself – self-hatred.
5) To submit to it and allow it to conquer you.
2) To feed the shame.
3) To deny it, taking it out on others instead.
4) To take it out on yourself – self-hatred.
5) To submit to it and allow it to conquer you.
Suppressing shame in the hope it goes away?
Many of us through family and school learn at an early age to suppress feelings, with the message 'just get on with it. We learn to switch off from experiencing our feelings which often means going into our head and thoughts. See my blog on 'Ups and Downs' for more on this. We try to do the same with shame; but as shame is so internalised it has become part of who we are and hard to suppress. Below is a list of some of the issues with suppressing our shame:
* You have to hide your true self, put on a false mask or image which can be hard and exhausting to maintain.
* You need to take sedatives to cope, these become addictive. A shame cycle plays out, you need to take more to reduce the sense of shame, but then after an initial relief you regret, feel worse and this feeds your shame.
* You may choose antidepressants to deal with your shame, but that means a numbing out of all feelings.
* You have to keep doing, keep proving yourself as to stop would mean facing how you really feel about yourself.
* You need to take sedatives to cope, these become addictive. A shame cycle plays out, you need to take more to reduce the sense of shame, but then after an initial relief you regret, feel worse and this feeds your shame.
* You may choose antidepressants to deal with your shame, but that means a numbing out of all feelings.
* You have to keep doing, keep proving yourself as to stop would mean facing how you really feel about yourself.
You feed your shame:
Fully believing what your shame tells you it's easy to become hyper-alert for signs which support what your shame is telling you. You can become so focused on what is wrong with you that you are looking out all the time for the proof of your convictions. A well-known area for this is around size and looks, particularly but by no means exclusively women. If anyone challenges your negative self-belief you cannot hear it and so bat it off.
The difficulty in this area is that you don't only have your shamed past haunting you, but you also have images, media, stereotypes and cultures supporting what your shame tells you. You feed your shame yourself by focusing on these and in addition your environment constantly feeds it as well; this includes peer pressure and comments from those around you even when they are trying to support you.
Here is some of the issues relating to this;
* You become obsessed with checking, watching out for signs to confirm your shame.
* You compare yourself with others, but only those which help to confirm your view of yourself.
* Your self-talk joins in to criticise and confirm your fears.
* You keep your shame to yourself, as your own secret too ashamed to tell anyone.
* You are drawn to and focus on images, media and anything which supports your negative self-belief.
You deny your shame and take it out on others.
This can often take place between couples, or anytime one with shame can master power over someone, say in families or work situations. To be able to deny your shame you need to bring down another to make yourself feel ok. The other has to be wrong in your eyes, so that you become right. It can be described as projecting onto others what you can't own yourself. Some issues with this way of dealing with shame;
*You become the person you don't want to be, feeding the shame even more.
*You end up isolating yourself, unable to connect to anyone even those close to you.
*Constantly protecting your secret can build up negative energy in you and can mean you react in uncontrollable ways.
*You end up taking it out on those you love the most.
*You can never be honest with yourself.
Take your shame out on yourself
Our shame is so deep you believe it is a part of who you are, and you hate ourselves as a result. You spiral into self- loathing which is hard to escape. This will lead to a hopelessness, a sense of despair and depression which makes you want to hide from others, you become more isolated which adds to your sense of despair of yourself and your life. This often means that;
*You lose connection from others.
*You turn to self-abuse. Your belief that you deserve to hurt as you are so wretched can give temporary relief but then just adds to the shame.
*You expect more from yourself than you could ever give so live constantly disappointed with yourself.
*Your energy and focus is about pulling yourself down so you end up with little energy for anything else and want to hide away.
You just submit to your shame
You allow your shame to dictate your life, and you 'opt out' as it feels safer.
You believe you can't so you don't try.
You believe you are not ok so you isolate yourself.
You don't confide in others as you are convinced you are not worth their time.
You prefer to hide than be seen.
Shame takes hold when:
See also my first blog on 'what is shame'
*You believe the lies that your shame tells you.
*You try to push it away, ignore it instead of facing it head on.
*You allow it to have power over you.
*You keep it secret and never talk about it.
*You hide away and isolate yourself from others.
*You focus on the very things which support your negative belief.
The energy can go from shame when:
*You recognise your shame and how you respond to it
*You face your shame, and own how it affects you.
*You find the right person to talk to.
*You consider where your shame originated.
*You start to find compassion and acceptance of yourself.
*You decide to show the real you, taking off the mask.
How useful was this information? I welcome your feedback.
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