The power of self-compassion
Published by Maz in Interactions with ourself and others · 9 December 2024
In this blog I look at what self-compassion is and why it is so useful to us. I look at why some of us are naturally self-compassionate while others find it so difficult.
Developing self-compassion
The natural way to develop self-compassion is when it is mirrored to us in childhood by our significant other. For many reasons this may not have happened but it is possible to develop self-compassion at any age. This is often the nature of therapy. It is however difficult to develop self-compassion on your own.
There are various books on helping us develop self-compassion;
One book that was recommended to me was "The mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing yourself from Destructive thoughts and emotions" by Christopher K Germer.
Another is "The Compassionate Mind
Approach to Recovering from Trauma" by Deborah Lee 2012 I have used some
of her examples in this blog. Even though she focuses on traumatic incidents, I
found it really practical with lots of helpful ideas.
Both of these books are also on audible, and audible free at the moment so well worth a listen.
Self-compassion is not just a nice option.
Consider these 3 brain systems.
1) The pleasure, purpose achieve focused system - working, pursuing, achieving and consuming.
2) The threat focused system - Anger, anxiety, disgust, and shame.
3) The compassion focused system - Safeness, calm, soothing, releasing endorphins and oxytocin which are like medicine in the mind, helping us stay calm.
We are designed to be active and achieve, to keep ourselves safe from threat but also to ‘BE’, to connect with ourselves in a caring and compassionate way. When we are compassionate to ourselves it can help us conquer our self-doubts and perfectionism; it helps us build confidence and self-acceptance.
When the threat focused system is activated, it by-passes the other systems and we become dysregulated - anxious and spiralling. It is active self-compassion which can directly help to bring the other systems in line. Find out more about this form my blog: "Taking control of your anxiety" 4th November 2024.
So, what do we mean by Self-compassion?
Self-compassion is about the way you speak to yourself; the tone, words and attitude.
Self-compassion is about the way you think about yourself. To have understanding, to listen, to connect with how you feel. Which of the following do you identify with your self-talk:
Inner Critic: You are judgemental of yourself, frustrated with yourself. Demanding more than you can give. Critical of your actions all the time and blaming yourself. Disliking the way you look, act etc and constantly comparing yourself to others and wishing you were someone different.
OR
Self-compassionate: Taking time to stop and consider your feelings, your wants and needs. Taking the time to try and understand why you respond the way you do being patient, understanding and encouraging with yourself. Giving yourself self-care, as you see yourself as having worth.
The journey from the self-critic to the self-compassionate is not instant and takes work, but it can not only change the way you feel about yourself, but also the way you relate to others and your life experiences. 
How do we develop self-compassion?
Self-compassion is developed in childhood by a significant person modelling self-compassion; but when this was not available or did not happen then we can learn to develop our own self-compassion.
Consider these different scenarios and the different responses; where self-compassion is modelled or if self-criticism or anxious states are being developed instead.
SCENARIO 1: 3 boys aged 5 years are playing in the playground after school, and they are scared by sudden loud thunder and lightning. They run to their parents who have 3 different responses.
1) The parent is distracted on their phone, tells the boy not to be silly and to get in the car. The boy remains nervous and feels they have done wrong.
2) The parent is also anxious at thunder; they too are scared they run for cover very anxious and drag their child with them.
3) The parent acknowledges the fear, says how loud it is as they comfort the child, but then reassures the child as they go together to take cover.
1) Her parent sees she has been in a fight and is angry at her; sending her to a room without any communication.
2) Her parent sees she has been in a fight, does not listen to her side but makes her go and apologise to the other girl.
3) Her parent says "as long as you win" but does not take the time to listen to her and discuss how she is feeling.
4) Her parent sits her down and listens to what happened. They discuss every aspect of what went on and together work out a way forward.
Did you relate to any to any of these responses?
when a child’s feelings and fears are dismissed, they are left anxious and /or self-doubting.
When the parent takes the time to listen to the child, help them process their feelings, find calm and reassurance the child is able to develop their own self-compassion.
Did you have self-compassion modelled to you so you naturally have a self-voice and approach to yourself which is compassionate.
OR did you develop a harsh way of talking and being with yourself, with an inner critic, or an anxious way of dealing with situations.
You can develop self-compassion at any age, but so often we avoid this.
Let’s look at some of the common myths about self-compassion which stop people from even trying to develop it.
Common Myths about Self-compassion.
*It’s about wallowing in your own self-pity.
*I don’t deserve to be compassionate to myself.
*It will cause me to spiral into despair.
*It's self-indulgent and selfish.
*It’s for those who are weak, I need to be strong.
*It will make me vulnerable; people then take advantage.
*It is soft, airy-fairy not for me.
*It will mean I cannot be angry again.
Many of us are given messages growing up which we have become so embedded they become ingrained in how we think. The message "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" stopped me from developing self-compassion for many years.
Self-compassion can be modelled to you as an adult.
*Through a therapeutic relationship during therapy.
*By being in a supportive relationship with someone who has self-compassion.
*Through another significant relationship where they have self-compassion and demonstrate that to you.
*If you don’t have access to anyone who is compassionate to you, you can turn to books like the one mentioned at the beginning of this blog to help you.
Consider the following:
1) Consider the myths about self-compassion, do you relate to any of them?
2) Reflect on your childhood and past experiences.
3) In order to survive, did you have to be hard on yourself? Is this still the case now?
4) Start to listen to your self-talk. How would you describe it? How can you change this to be more compassionate?
5) Consider your younger self that was not listened to, and allow that younger self to be heard. You can start a dialogue with your younger self, this could be via letters.
6) Consider how you think about yourself. Can you show more compassion?
7) Work on your Shame. See my Blogs on Crippling shame to help you.
8) Slowly develop a more caring, considerate and compassionate way of talking to yourself, encouraging yourself, responding to situations and thinking about yourself. Consider not just your words, but how you think about yourself and the tone you use.
Remember that developing self-compassion is a journey, it is not an instant change but a gradual one.
I hope you found this blog useful. Your comments are welcome and valued.
There are no reviews yet.