Reduce the impact of your shame
Published by Maz in Crippling Shame · 23 September 2024
Hi welcome to this blog which I outline ways we can reduce the impact of our shame.
To make the most of this blog it's worth reading my previous two blogs on shame.
1) What is Shame? 9th September 2024 - where I look at what shame is and where it comes from.
2) Ways we deal with our shame. 16th September 2024. Exploring how we experience and feed our shame.
Within this blog I refer to Harry Potter, not that you need to be a fan to benefit from the references. I also see the benefit of humour. Using these references does not in any way mean that I treat shame lightly. Shame affects many of us, it can prevent us from doing and being all, we would like and for some it can cause self-harm, addiction and even suicide. Shame can also be the core in addiction cycles. We attempt to escape our shame by zoning out with our chosen vice. But as the temporary relief subsides the act and its affects feeds ingo our shame.
Shame is an area of mental health that people don't like to talk about, it is shameful to even mention shame.
I do believe you can reduce the impact of your shame. It may never completely disappear, and when triggered it can still impact you, but you can learn to take the energy out of it so that you control your shame instead of your shame controlling you.
Shame gets between people
*When you feel overwhelmed by shame it seems to take you into a different space, you don't feel able to connect to yourself or to others. It’s like you have zoned out.
*Shame can be just 'in the room' and can be picked up by different people causing a disconnection between them. It’s as if the zoning out is catching.
To reduce the impact of our shame it's useful to start with how we view our shame; I have always found it useful to see shame as a bully.
Shame is like a bully
Some bullying at school is physical attacks but a lot of bullying is threats, taunting and humiliation. It is this emotional threatening bullying that I find is so similar to shame. This makes sense as it is often being bullied as a child either at home or school which can be the cause of our shame in the first place.
Consider these characteristics of a bully;
*A bully wants to intimidate you, when they know this is working, they come at you more. When they suspect you are not intimidated, they don't back off.
*A bully does not work on facts, only what they sense gets to you; so often what they say is untrue.
*A bully wants you to keep their threats a secret, keeping you alone and powerless.
*A bully wants you to feel weak so that they can feel stronger
When you stand up to a bully assertively, they usually draw back.
In my experience with shame and working with my client's shame I have found each one of these characteristics of a bully relates to shame.
Some things we should not as we work to reduce the impact our shame.
1) Don't be afraid to name your shame. Lord Voldemort - He who shall not be named .... so much fear caught up in just not naming him. Once Harry Potter started to name Voldemort the fear started to go. This is like shame, to name it is to start to deal with it.
2) Don't keep your shame hidden. Put light on your shame. Getting to know your shame instead of hiding it away means you are much more aware of what you are dealing with.
3) Don't try to deny or suppress your shame. You can only start to deal with it once you own it, accepting that it is part of you.
The more you know your shame the more you can reduce it’s impact.
How to get to know your shame,
Working with a therapist, or reliable trusted other can make a big difference as you try and work through how your shame affects you.
You might find these useful areas to consider:
1) How does your shame affect you?
Consider your body sensations such as fast heart rate, clammy hands, racing thoughts, or do you just zone out and go blank. You may find it relates to your anxiety, see my blog on "Taking control of your anxiety" 4th November 2024.
2) Does your shame come with a message? What do you tell yourself when you feel shame?
Messages like 'not enough', 'too needy', 'rotten at the core’, ‘unlovable’, ‘repulsive to look at' to name just a few of these messages. These messages can be so ingrained we just accept them as true.
If you can name your shame message you can start to challenge it.
3) Can you put an image on your shame? Some people have described their shame as a black heavy blanket, or Darth Vader, or sinking into a black hole. I related to Dobby with my shame, no colour, less than others, apologetic to everyone for getting it wrong.
4) What can trigger your shame? This can take some reflection and monitoring. Along with anxiety your brain reacts to associations. This is not just words, but can also be a look from someone, a certain situation, the look of a place, even a smell can trigger off your shame.
We can also feed our shame by what we focus on, see my second blog on shame for more information on this.
Start to challenge your shame.
Others may tell you not to listen to your negative thoughts, and encourage you to think positively about yourself but shame is not just in your head, it is a body reaction.
Shame can be an ingrained instinctive response which has not been in your control and will take more than positive thinking. Reducing your shame’s impact is like a skill which can be learnt, practised and mastered over time.
Don't believe the lie: Often we know in our heads that we are not what are shame tells us, but our body tells us we are. This is where you can start to question the lie of your shame, challenge it and start to listen to your logic and seeing other perspectives than the one your shame will tell you. It may feel like you are just kidding yourself; trying to convince yourself as your shame may well be embedded from childhood, but it does not make the shame right.
Recognise the bodily symptoms: When you know your body responses you can recognise them as your shame.
Learn to regulate your body: There are ways you can learn to regulate your body so that you can calm the symptoms down. See my blog on "Finding calm in emotional turmoil' 5th August 2024 for ways of reclaiming your calm.
Stand up to your shame: Using the image your shame stands up to it, image yourself challenging it.
Developing a compassionate self-voice: Listen to the tone and words of your voice. Are they critical and condemning? Do you recognise the voice from someone in your past? By challenging the habitual self-critical voice and replacing it with compassionate, caring and encouraging voice a change takes place, the shame loses its impact.
Use Humour: A really good antidote to shame is humour, not sure why but it works. A great example of this was in the Harry Potter's book the Prisoner of Azkaban. I find it explains this so much better than I can.
Dealing with a Boggart (shame) spell: (see u-tube link below, worth watching)
Professor Lupin is teaching the 'ridiculous' spell to Harry Potter's class.
A Boggart is a 'shapeshifter' that takes the shape of whatever you fear the most, so they are terrifying a bit like shame can be.
The Boggarts are in the closet waiting to get out.
The spell is not enough, what finishes a Boggart is someone laughing at it, you make it take the shape you find most funny.
Neville takes his turn, pictures his grandma's clothes on professor Snape who he is most scared of.
Ron sees a spider, who skids around the floor as if on ice-skates.
They all have to decide what they fear the most and turn it into something funny; to overcome their fear and stand up to it
https://uk.video.search.yahoo.com/search/video;_ylt=AwrkOgjGHWdm3sspwkgM34lQ;_ylu=Y29sbwNpcjIEcG9zAzEEdnRpZAMEc2VjA3BpdnM-?p=boggart+harry+potter&fr2=piv-web&type=E210GB714G0&fr=mcafee#id=1&vid=55f924006c3faba25145f5a3cba91e18&action=view
Reducing the impact of your shame:
A step-by-step guide using the insights explored above:
1) Recognise your body sensation and thoughts that come with your shame so you can identify them
2) Learn to regulate yourself once these symptoms take place.
3) Know the message that comes with your shame and have a counter message to tell yourself.
4) Visualise your shame, and face it instead head on.
5) Say it is 'Riddikulus' and imagine a humorous image to represent it.
6) Develop a self-voice which is kind and compassionate.
7) Recognise where you are feeding your shame, and change this to positive inputs which feed acceptance and approbation of yourself.
By treating your shame like a Boggart, you are able to picture your shame turning it into something funny. It is a way of standing up to your shame, it will take practice and persistence ... just like learning a spell.
I hope you find these insights useful.
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