Anger 2 - Just who I am
Published by Maz in Connecting with our emotions. · 18 October 2024
Hi, welcome to this second blog on anger. My first blog on anger was for those who suppress or deny their anger, in contrast this blog I have written for those who have been angry for so long it's become part of who they are. They may have learnt to accept their anger as a burden weighing them down. They can be aware that they are hurting the people they care about which makes the burden even heavier to carry.
In this blog I use my insights to take you through a step-by-step process to help you understand your anger, why it affects you and how you can positively move forward.
FIRST: Accept you are angry own it and be curious about the root cause of your anger.
You may have not had our needs met when you were young and may have got used to being angry about that from a young age. You may have grown up being allowed to be angry and never been comforted, supported, understood or shown other ways of getting what you needed. So, you continue to act like an angry toddler who might have feelings of frustration, being misunderstood or not loved.
The root cause of your anger may be obvious; you may even have been shouting about it for years. Or you may need to reflect and be curious, you may want to talk to those close to you who you trust to help you work it out.
2nd: Own your anger. You may not be responsible for causing your anger, or for it becoming part of who you are, but you are responsible for what you do with it now.
3rd: Put words to your anger, and understand it.
NOTE: I refer to trauma which is a threat to who we are, but it may also be that we are angry due to a threat on someone or something we care about.
When we do not get our needs met, or when we feel under threat this is trauma. We naturally want to fight back and defend ourselves but this is not always possible, especially if we are a child. We are left feeling powerless, without being able to control or change the situation.
For more on this see my blog on ups and downs 2.
There can be a cry from deep within us - it was unjust, unfair, not true.
You may have felt that you were taken advantage of and the hurt goes very deep.
You feel deep down that you were missed; not heard, not seen, and or devalued.
The need for your experience to be acknowledged is a natural human need.
4th: Your need for Validation.
You may have a yearning, a deep cry, often unconscious to have your experience seen, noticed and validated. Validation is when another person can give value to, and acknowledge your experience.
To let go of our trauma without having our experience validated would mean losing a part of who we are, betraying ourselves.
Validation is the most valuable if it comes from the person who let us down, attacked us or betrayed us.
Yet this has never happened or may not be possible, consider these reasons;
1) They are no longer alive or available.
2) They are not able or willing to take responsibility for their actions.
3) Their way of surviving in life is to blame another - in this case you.
4) They make it all about them, which means you are missed, again.
When you have a deep cry which is not heard, it can be like a caged lion. For your own self-respect you need to defend yourself and have your feelings and experience heard; but you are continually missed. You become frustrated and angry.
5th: Your anger is seen, the injustice against you is missed.
It may be that you are still trying to get your injustice heard, or you may have given up trying.
Situations and people just trigger the old wounds of this injustice.
When triggered this anger will activate a range of bodily responses, such as racing heart rate and muscle tension. You react; in defence or in attack but it is a reaction not a measured response.
See my blog on anger 1 for more detail on this.
This will affect your ability to articulate that deep seated injustice; you just come across as angry.
You may recognise some of the following responses from those around you;
*You are dismissed as being angry, even a threat.
*The response misses your needs and makes it about another.
*You are told to move on, let go and even grow up.
All these responses and others similar I have not mentioned add to your senses of frustration, lack of control and powerlessness, which in turn will feed your anger. This creates a cycle of anger which gets established as part of who you are.
This cycle can go on for many years, you have had to learn to manage it, you may have not learned to or you dumb it down by your chosen sedative, like alcohol, or substances, anything which can numb you and your pain at being missed.
6th: Take back control
Below I list some steps to help you take control.
They sound simple, yet they take courage and may take time.
Like any skill they need practice and perseverance.
You may want to seek professional help as you work through your anger.
Once you have become more aware of your anger and your desire to manage it you might find it useful to find healthy ways of channelling your energy while you work through it.
This can include exercise, energetic tasks or even a punch bag.
i) Own your own anger, by taking responsibility for it you can start to manage it.
ii) Define what you are angry about so you are better able to express it.
iii) Learn to notice what happens in your body when your anger is triggered so you can identify it.
iv) Learn to recognise what triggers your anger, giving you greater awareness and control
v) Learn to regulate yourself and calm yourself. Including breathing exercises. Self-soothing both in your self-talk and by learning soothing and regulating exercises.
vi) Learn self-compassion, what you experienced was real, even if it was not recognised.
vii) Find a way to get your experience validated, this may be from;
A support group which relates to your experience.
A relationship with a therapist.
A trusted close friend who will listen and hear your story.
You may also want to use art, writing or other creative ways to express your deep cry.
By sharing this may bring about the validation you yearn for.
7th: Know you are not alone. Sharing helps.
By sharing your experience, you not only give light and hope to others, it also helps you to validate your own experience. Once you feel seen, have your anger validated you can learn to let go of your anger without losing a sense of yourself and by being true to your experience.
How useful was this information? I welcome your feedback.
First name only is fine, you may want to say where you are from.
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