Anger 1- when supressed
Published in Connecting with our emotions. · 10 October 2024
Hi, welcome to my first blog on anger as part of my series on emotional connection In this blog I look at why we so often try and suppress and deny our anger, how this can affect us and how we can use our anger to make healthier choices.
In my next blog on anger, I share my insights for those who do not deny their anger but had to learn to carry their anger with them like a heavy weight which has become part of who they are.
NOTE: Our anger can be deep rooted and difficult to manage. If this is the case, I urge you to seek professional help so that you can process your anger and work through the causes of your anger in a safe way.
See our page on finding support.
Many of us try to avoid our feelings of anger, I have found that there are two main reasons for this; both rooted in our past.
1) Our experience of anger was frightening.
We react to anger as a result of experiencing anger in relation to violence, shouting, abusive words and/or gestures. You may have felt threatened by angry parents or those close to you.
The tone, the words and the actions you experienced as frightening.
As a result, you might associate anger with a sense of aggression and consciously or unconsciously avoid or deny any feelings of anger in yourself.
2) We were taught it was wrong to be angry.
Alternatively, you could have, like me, been taught at an early age that being angry was wrong and not acceptable. If you expressed any anger you felt the shame of it, told it was not appropriate.
So now when you feel angry it feels wrong, so we dismiss it or suppress it the best we can.
Shame and anger
You may turn your anger onto yourself instead of where or who it should be directed at.
You blame yourself, feeding a cycle of shame. When you tell yourself you are not good enough, it must be your fault. You turn to drink, drugs or whatever it is that helps you survive, to fill the gap. This gives short term relief and then it adds to your shame of not being enough. So, the cycle continues.
Find out more from my Blog on Crippling Shame
No matter how hard we try to suppress or deny our anger it can stay with us ready to spurt out when triggered.
Our focus goes to our thoughts which can swirl around in a confusion.
Our anger can become like a pressure cooker.
It's like the suppressed anger, often from childhood, is so pressurised that keeping the lid on uses up your energy.
This can be out of your awareness as you have learnt over the years how to suppress your anger, it becomes second nature to you.
All it takes is a little knock on the top and a pressure of steam spurts out and you react.
Often the person or situation you have reacted to is not who you are really angry at, they just happen to trigger your anger in some way.
Expressing your anger to others
In a need to get rid of your anger you may try and resolve the issues while you are still experiencing the sensations of the anger. This often leads to a spiralling of your anger and no resolution.
*Your thoughts may not be clear and you may find it hard to express yourself.
*Your tone of voice, body language and facial expression can appear aggressive, argumentative or judgemental.
*Your point of view, your feelings and needs are then missed as all others see is an angry person.
*You can be left feeling missed and shamed. Regretting your outbursts with no resolution.
See my blog in control or spiralling or plummeting from the 10th June 24 for more on why this happens.
Feeling anger does not mean you are an angry person, it means you feel.
SEEING YOUR ANGER IN NEW WAY
So as explained above we either see anger as connected to violence and aggression OR taboo and shameful.
Both mean we want to avoid it at all costs.
There is a third way of seeing anger.
We can see anger as a feeling which can be a useful tool.
To experience and use it as information to guide and protect us; helping us make healthier choices.
Our Anger can help recognise when there is an injustice to us or others that we care about.
Here are some examples.
*When your feelings and needs are being ignored.
*When you are not being listened to.
*When you are being taken advantage of.
*When someone falsely accuses you or does not believe you.
*When someone hurts you (or other); physically, emotionally and/or sexually.
*When someone takes something from you without your permission.
Our body responds to this injustice by sensations in our body, we all feel this differently, so it’s good to learn how you experience anger so you can recognise it. Body sensations may include;
*Your heart is beating faster.
*You feel tension in your body, such as clenched fists, teeth or arms, knots in your stomach.
*You feel a burning up in your chest or around your body.
*You start to feel sweaty; palms go clammy.
Feeling angry is not a 'nice' feeling, but it is also not your enemy.
STEPS TO MANAGE AND USE OUR ANGER AS A GUIDE.
1 - Recognise:
*Learn how you experience the energy of anger in your body, so you can recognise it when it happens.
*Own your anger as a feeling which belongs to you and is there to guide you to help you protect yourself.
2 - Manage.
*Focus on your breathing, slow it down and stay in your body.
*When you have the time and space, allow yourself to connect with your anger, feeling the energy in your body.
*Allow the energy of your anger to pass through you like waves and allow it to naturally go.
NOTE: You may feel the urge to shout, thump something, kick or throw. You could use a pillow, or ball in a safe space. This can only be useful but only if you think of it as releasing energy that can feel stuck, as opposed to getting rid of the anger as you don't want to own it.
It is possible for someone to feel very angry and it is not that noticeable to an onlooker.
In contrast you can see someone being very aggressive in their anger and they are not really connecting with it.
NOTE: If you fear your anger will be overwhelming and not pass then calm yourself by slowing your breathing down, distract yourself and seek out professional help to help you explore the source of your anger.
3 - Use your anger as a guide.
*Consider what made you angry.
*Be curious, and ask yourself if a deeper anger was being triggered.
*Allow yourself time to consider what part of 'you' was affected causing you to become angry, for e.g. your needs, feelings, time and efforts, or your even personality.
*Consider what you can do or say which will help you protect yourself.
4 - Personal boundaries can help you protect yourself
I like this quote,
"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others". Brene Brown.
Personal boundaries are what we need to have in place for our self-care.
Some examples of types of boundaries;
*Limiting the time and energy you give someone who is demanding of you.
*Turning down invitations for your own self-care.
*Allowing yourself time and space before you respond.
*Not putting yourself in vulnerable situations.
*Only disclosing parts of yourself when you feel safe.
*Being prepared to say NO!
Learning to set boundaries is a skill which takes time to develop.
Some useful tips to consider:
1) Focus on one area first to gain confidence in setting your boundaries.
2) What do you need to have in place for your own self care?
3) Is your proposed boundary realistic and achievable?
4) Do you need to inform anyone about your boundary?
5) Make sure you stand by your boundary and stick to it.
6) Revise your boundary when you think it is needed and when you are ready.
How useful was this information? I welcome your feedback.
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